Each year we blithely ignore the proliferation of emissions into the atmosphere so noxious they pose an obvious threat to our nation’s health. I’m referring, of course, to the 24/7 broadcast of Christmas carols weeks before we’ve had a chance to sit down to our respective Thanksgiving dinners.
Each year we blithely ignore the proliferation of emissions into the atmosphere so noxious they pose an obvious threat to our nation’s health.
I’m referring, of course, to the 24/7 broadcast of Christmas carols weeks before we’ve had a chance to sit down to our respective Thanksgiving dinners.
Don’t misunderstand me. There is a time for Christmas carols to be enjoyed. It’s called Christmastime.
But when Santa Claus is purportedly coming down Santa Claus lane in early November, it’s time we take action.
When Jose Feliciano is wishing us a Merry Christmas in Spanish and it’s still 60 degrees out, it’s time we take action.
And when Bing Crosby and David Bowie are pa rum pum pum pumming their way through “The Little Drummer Boy” and Halloween decorations still dominate the landscape, then it’s time we take action.
And don’t be overwhelmed by this calamity’s immensity into believing nothing can be done.
We can fight back because the increase in Christmas carols is a man-made phenomenon.
Scientists have developed varied theories for its causes.
There are those who believe that carols are played earlier and earlier each year in the misguided notion that they will motivate consumers to shop earlier and buy more rather than actually compel consumers to consider throwing themselves under speeding trains, buses or tractor-trailers.
Other scientists believe the annual uptick in Christmas carols represents an attempt to subvert our psyches, launched by our country’s enemies.
Still others think it has something to do with the reduced use of cadmium in plastics.
But what can you do?
That’s simple. Take to the malls and show your auditory unrest with the incessant Christmas music by placing your hands over your ears - one hand per ear - and intoning, “la la la la la la la,” at your vocal chords’ utmost capacity.
This symbolic gesture of dissatisfaction will eventually involve thousands and cause the earlier and earlier broadcasts of Christmas carols to dissipate, sparing your sanity in much the same way chemical dispersants are applied to oil spills to minimize their impact on pristine coastlines.
Frank Mulligan is an editor in GateHouse Media New England’s Plymouth, Mass., office, and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.