After making all of these New Year resolutions to lower our cholesterol and eat right, we start the new year off by sitting down to a meal of pork and sauerkraut because some idiot once said that eating these things would guarantee that we have a happy and prosperous new year.
This year is the first time that our Marissa has shown any interest in the New Year festivities, probably because this is the first year she was allowed to stay up and watch the ball drop in Times Square at midnight.
“But what does it mean?” she asked her mommy. Her mother explained that this is a brand-new year that starts over every January.
“It was 2011. It’s now 2012.”
“Am I 6 now?” Marissa wanted to know.
“No,” Jess told her, “you still have almost a whole year to go before you turn 6.”
“Am I in the same grade at school?” she wanted to know.
“Yes.” Her mommy told her. “Nothing has changed.”
“Then what’s the point?” Marissa asked. Out of the mouths of babes!
Every year at this time, we all swear to change our evil ways and start living the “good life.” Just yesterday, I saw a cute commercial about a wife standing in the grocery store asking a clerk where the low-fat granola bars were located, when her husband came skidding up beside her, all out of breath.
The lady explained to the store clerk that they were going to live healthier in the new year.
“I just ran all the way here!” her husband told the clerk, while panting heavily.
“From your house?” the clerk asked, clearly impressed.
“No, from the car,” the guy answered.
Does that sound familiar? We all have big plans that this is the year we’re going to eat right, lose weight, exercise more and live life to the fullest.
Having made all these grandiose plans, we’re so pooped that we plop into the nearest recliner, turn on the boob tube and reach for some chips and dip. After all, it’s left over from Christmas, and you can’t just throw it out, can you?
“I might as well eat up the leftovers, but when they’re gone, I’m not buying anything else that’s fattening!”
Yeah, right! I’ll tell you something else that has never made any sense to me. After making all of these New Year resolutions to lower our cholesterol and eat right, we start the new year off by sitting down to a meal of pork and sauerkraut because some idiot once said that eating these things would guarantee that we have a happy and prosperous new year.
I have a sneaking suspicion that it was a pig farmer that started that rumor; and it was prosperous –– for him. He sold a whole lot of pork each year after starting that rumor. He was probably the same guy that began the tradition of having ham for Christmas dinner!
All he had to do was stand in the middle of a busy grocery store and utter the words, “Oh, yeah, it’s traditional to have ham on Christmas. Everyone has it!” We’re so gullible!
The very same network shows that demonstrated how to make eggnog using whipping cream, two dozen eggs and half a gallon of Haagen-Dazs ice cream to serve our Christmas guests is now touting the virtues of eating nothing but boneless chicken breasts and salad to lose those 10 pounds we gained guzzling down the eggnog that they encouraged us to make.
Even Mother Nature seems to be plotting against our good intentions of walking two miles each day in order to get fit and trim. The day after the New Year comes in, an arctic blast sweeps down from Canada, bringing with it 40-mph winds and snow squalls. The last time I passed by the track, it was empty.
It is the perfect time to purchase a family membership to a local gym, but let me be the first to tell you that having a membership card to a fitness club doesn’t make you fit any more than sitting in a garage all day makes you a Hyundai! You have to show up there every day, and sweat!
I’m just like the rest of you. On New Year’s day, I gave away a lemon meringue pie (to my ex-husband), all of my homemade cookies and candy and the dip and chips that were left over from Christmas, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll soon be seeing the new me at a shopping mall near you.
After all, it’s January, and we all know that there’s not much to do in January except watch TV –– and eat. I have good intentions; we all do, but I’m sure you’ve heard that the road to hell is paved with them.
Hey, don’t let me be the one to rain on your parade. If you’ve started a brand-new way of life and are committed to keeping all of those New Year resolutions, I wish you nothing but the best. Perhaps you could call or email me with your plan. It might inspire me to get on the bandwagon.
I need something to inspire me, besides the Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers commercials that run incessantly throughout the day. You never know, I guess. This could be the year that you see the brand-new me. I seriously doubt it, but………
It could happen!