Jeff Vrabel: Canned cheeseburgers make great gifts
There are very few things in this life that wouldn't be better if they came to you in a can.
Think about it: If you could just pop the top and have a thing, how gut-clenchingly great would that be? We've already perfected canned meat, sure, but why stop there? Let's try canned ham hocks, canned salami, canned Baconators, canned Twinkies, canned pants, canned T-shirts and canned small cats you could get at the vet. I could go on for days with this.
All this is why I am heartened to the point of leaping out of my chair for joy right now at a link I've found to the Trekking Mahlzeiten online shop, which is right now, this very minute, selling cheeseburgers in a can for your culinary pleasure. Yes! Cheeseburgers in a can! For when you just can’t quite stomach that interminable wait at the Wendy's.
I’m not sure what exactly the Trekking Mahlzeiten online shop does, except for apparently answering all of my most personal latent snacking dreams, nor do I read much German, so I'm not really sure what's going on here, other than it seems like this product has quite a few grams of Elweiss, more than the recommended daily allowance of Fett and what I can only describe as a jarring amount of Kohlenhydrate. (Note: If any German readers out there reveal that these are good things, you let me know and I'll run a Correctionweiss.)
There’s also a code of letters and numbers right after the header Artikelnummer. It may entirely be possible that someone is sending secret codes for world domination through the Trekking Mahlzeiten online shop, but I don’t think that's the case, because I believe all those nefarious secret codes go through the daily bridge column in the newspaper.
Anyway, you have to trust me when I tell you that I’m looking at a picture of the cheeseburger in a can this very minute, and frankly, I'm having trouble keeping the drool in my mouth.
You get a fluffy bun decorated lovingly with relatively newish-looking sesame seeds, a piece of paper-thin cheese dribbled with great care over a meat chunk the approximate color of several-months-old caulk, what appears to be a portion of a tomato, some onion-like items and, well, I don't know, it's either lettuce or kelp on here. It's sort of hard to tell. Well, whichever has more Kohlenhydrate.
But here's the best part, and stop me if I’ve mentioned this before: It’s a cheeseburger that comes in a can, although the can does look a little bit like mid-’50s standard military issue, the kind of thing you'd want to have with you should you ever find yourself in the midst of a nuclear winter. (So guys, if you're still looking for a Valentine’s gift, you're done. Done. You can send me thank you cards via my editor.)
Now, you’re probably thinking that there are plenty of potential negative effects to enjoying a cheeseburger that's come out of a can. This includes that vague tin aftertaste, the relative un-freshness of the condiments and the cold hard fact that most of us would rather put down a piping hot sandwich made of squirrel meat rather than eat a cheeseburger that came out of a can.
But you are being small-minded and petty and, frankly, more than a little unpatriotic. I don't know when you started thinking you were too good to eat a sandwich out of what looks like a can in which you might find either tuna or chewing tobacco. Why don't you climb down off your ivory tower, Mr. High Horse, and eat the meaty, succulent instaburger.
Better yet, why don’t we just wait a few weeks until Fries in a Can are developed, followed by Milkshake in a Can, Pork in a Can and finally Can in a Can, which we can consume after we've finished canning every previously fresh or organic food item. Can in a Can! Imagine the Kohlenhydrate you could get from that!
Jeff Vrabel can be reached at jeffvrabel.com, or on Twitter at @jeffvrabel.