Lost in Suburbia: Tracy’s Ultimate Super Duper, No-Fail, Checklist for Summer
Spring seemed to come up so suddenly this year that I actually forgot to have my annual pre-summer panic attack. I guess I was just so busy waging war on dust bunnies and trying to figure out which side of the Kim Kardashian versus Beyonce feud I was on, that I forgot all about the war on cellulite and the middle-age bathing suit crisis.
Where the heck were MY priorities?
Now we are just a weeks away from summer and I have to put my emergency pre-summer plan into effect. In order to help me stay on the straight and narrow … as opposed to my usual path of wavy and wide, I decided I should come up with a checklist for summer.
Thus I present to you: Tracy’s Ultimate Super Duper, No-Fail, Checklist for Summer:
1. Get bad stomach virus so I will be tankini ready in a week.
2. Have anxiety attack because a virus only lasts two days.
3. Take down summer clothes from the attic. Try everything on. Find out it is all too small. Go back to step one.
4. Wonder if it is OK to wear white capris before July 4 because it is the only thing that fits.
5. Decide white capris are not slimming so I dye white capris black.
6. End up with black dye all over arms
7. Decide to get fake spray-on tan to look beach ready but also to hide black dye on arms
8. Turn orange from spray tan. Discover spray tan does not cover black dye spots.
9. Wonder if black and orange arms could be new trend this summer
10. Pull summer shoes down from attic.
11. Very excited because shoes ALWAY fit
12. Find 12 pair of gladiator sandals in bin. Recall that gladiators were very trendy last year. Recall reading that Gladiators are not in style this summer.
13. Go to store to get new sandals. Salesperson asks where I got lovely black and orange tan.
14. Shoe store has nothing in my size. Buy cute pair one size too small.
15. Wear new shoes to drug store to buy sunscreen
16. Get blisters from shoes that are too small.
17. Ask salesperson for bandaids for blisters
18. Salesperson asks where I got lovely black and orange tan.
19. Get home, realize forgot to buy suncscreen
20. Decide black dye wlll probably shield me from sun anyway
21. Go outside to weed garden to make house pretty for summer and to forget about stupid things like tankinis, fake tans and gladiator sandals
22. Realize one of the weeds I have been yanking out of garden, sans gloves , is poison ivy
23. Immediately break out in poison ivy rash all over body
24. Also get sunburn from weeding without sunscreen
24. Apply anti-itch cream, anti-sunburn cream, anti-fake tan cream and anti-black dye cream
25. Decide summer is hugely overrated.
25. Cancel summer.