Flawless Farley: NFL game picks for Week 2

Glen Farley

Editor's note: For Sunday publication

The vow was made to my bride of nearly 30 years as I lay on my death bed at Brockton’s Good Samaritan Hospital two Mondays ago.

“Mark my words,” I said. “I shall return to work before professional football returns to Cleveland.”

OK, so it wasn’t exactly my death bed although, as I discovered the hard way, appendicitis is nothing to sneeze at (and if you do sneeze when you’re in the throes of appendicitis, yow!). I also learned that allowing appendicitis to go untreated for, oh, 24 hours or so may be Brett Favre tough, but it can ultimately prove to be dumber than Miss Teen South Carolina.

After starting the week 0-1 in my personal life (yes, dear, you were right), I rebounded by going 12-3 (honest) on NFL picks that never appeared in print in a column that would have reshaped American literature as we know it (a blatant lie).

But after spending the opening week of the NFL season on the physically unable to perform list, I return.

As for professional football in Cleveland, well, we’re still waiting.

New England 27, San Diego 21 – Hey, anyone happen to know where I can get a

tape of last Sunday’s Pats-Jets game?

Jacksonville 22, Atlanta 6 – If Jaguars cornerback Terry Cousin married a dwarf, would she be considered a half Cousin?

Pittsburgh 21, Buffalo 0 – What do NFL wide receivers do when they’re matched up one-on-one with Bills cornerback Ashton Youboty? They try to shake Youboty.

Cincinnati 45, Cleveland 14 – O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo Crennel? Deny Brady Quinn and refuse they job; Or, if thou shalt be sworn to Derek Anderson, Thou shalt soon be unemployed.

Green Bay 17, New York Giants 13 – The Giants signed free-agent defensive lineman Marquis Gunn to their practice squad. So now the Giants have a loose cannon (Jeremy Shockey) and a gun in their locker room.

Carolina 28, Houston 16 – Facing charges of attempted kidnapping, battery and burglary with assault after driving from Houston to Orlando to confront Colleen Shipman, the girlfriend of a former space shuttle pilot she had been involved with, former astronaut Lisa Nowak is claiming an insanity defense. Nowak is claiming she was lost in space.

Indianapolis 40, Tennessee 17 – According to one scouting report, Titans practice squad member Mike Otto, a rookie offensive tackle, has “nimble feet.” Well, that answers the question: Is Otto mobile?

New Orleans 30, Tampa Bay 19 – Mr. Magoo would have played David Ortiz’s game-winning home run better than Tampa Bay Devil Rays right fielder Delmon Young did on Wednesday night.

St. Louis 34, San Francisco 30 – 49ers wide receiver Arnaz Battle has put personal goals for the upcoming season down in writing. “I understand what I can do and this year I wrote down 70 catches and 1,000 yards,” he said prior to the start of the season. Naturally, all this depends on whether the 49ers are willing to go to Battle.

Dallas 28, Miami 20 – In honor of the first full day of the pro football season, a number of Texas Rangers were reported to have had NFL jerseys in their lockers last Sunday. According to the Web site “Foul Territory,” Jerry Hairston had a Walter Payton jersey, Gerald Laird an Eric Dickerson jersey, Hank Blalock had LaDainian Tomlinson’s, Carson Palmer had Michael Young’s and Ian Kinsler had Matt Leinart’s. This is good since those guys generally masquerade in baseball jerseys.

Detroit 20, Minnesota 19 – Vikings special teams coordinator Paul Ferraro has gone on record as saying punter Chris Kluwe will not kick off at all. Sounds like it’s back to the days when Mike Tice coached the Vikings. They’ll be starting games off with no Kluwe.

Seattle 23, Arizona 20 – The most disappointing development coming out of camp for the Cardinals, who have running back Marcel Shipp on their roster, may have been the release of tight end Alex Shor. With that, the Shipp-to-Shor pass was removed from the Cardinals’ playbook.

Chicago 15, Kansas City 3 – Eighty-two-year-old Palmer Kroeplin delayed a recent high school football game at Stanley-Boyd High School in Wisconsin when the van he was driving slammed through a fence and hit the goalpost. Thus, an 82-year-old man has done something neither the Bears nor Chiefs have done this season. He got in the end zone.

Baltimore 20, New York Jets 7 – Who looked worse while being exposed last Sunday: The Jets in the Meadowlands versus the Patriots or Britney Spears on stage at the MTV Video Music Awards?

Denver 42, Oakland 6 – Some charged that, prior to signing on Tuesday, quarterback JaMarcus Russell, the first pick in this year’s draft, was holding the Raiders hostage. The irony is that now that he has signed, Russell will ultimately be protected in the offensive line by Robert Gallery, who, since being selected by the Raiders with the second overall pick three years ago, hasn’t held hostage, but has held everything else in the NFL.

Philadelphia 23, Washington 14 (Monday night) – After failing to suit up for a single game as a second-round draft pick last year, offensive tackle Winston Justice finally drew some playing time for the Eagles last Sunday. So there is Justice in Philadelphia.

Flawless Farley’s NFL picks column appears in The Sunday Enterprise (Brockton, Mass.)