NEWS

What’s Your Sign?

Staff Writer
Mount Shasta Herald

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): In a freak accident, you’ll swap bodies with your 16-year-old daughter this week, giving you a better understanding of today’s teenage pressures and her a dependency on prescription pills.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): Your foolproof plan to rob the city’s largest bank fails when you overestimate your girlfriend’s loyalty and oversleep.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): Later you’ll realize there was no need to rearrange the squirrel to make it look like an accident.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): Go ahead and put off that major housecleaning project. It’s not really going to matter after next week’s tornado.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): Your prayers will finally be answered this week. Unfortunately, they are your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): You will learn that you are 1/128 Mexican. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21): You’ll give serious thought to your values this week, resulting in a change in your brand of hair gel.

CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 22): Stop telling everyone you’re popular with the guys. Only your breasts are popular with the guys.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): This will be a lucky week, considering no one loves projectile vomiting more than you.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Great wealth is in your future. Continue scooping pennies out of water fountains.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 23): You will soon be forced to admit that becoming fluent in Elvish was an utter waste of time.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24-NOV. 21): Scorpios are known for their intelligent, passionate nature. Except you.

— Madam Sarah/Rockford Register Star