What’s Your Sign?

Staff Writer
Mount Shasta Herald

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): The stars would love to tell you about the buried treasure, but if you didn’t believe them about the tall, dark stranger, there’s a good chance you’re not going to follow up on this.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): There’s no shame in being depressed every now and then. There is shame, however, in chasing two pounds of raw cookie dough with a handle of vodka to deal with it.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): You’ll be awoken between 3 and 5 a.m. tomorrow by a friend who used to be cool but now just wants to talk about “World of Warcraft.”

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): You’ll stumble across the meaning of life, but unfortunately, you won’t be able to figure out a way to charge people for it.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): Your threats would have been more effective if your scooter hadn’t stalled as you were trying to race away.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): Smuggling yourself across the border in that truck of mangoes would have been genius, if not for your insatiable appetite for mangoes.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21): You’ll learn the hard way that it’s not a good idea to distract dim-witted co-workers carrying staple guns.

CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 22): Today’s events will cause you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): The stars can’t figure out why you keep dreaming of having sex with Elizabeth Taylor. You have plenty of sex with her while you’re awake.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Try as you might, you can’t ignore the feeling that everyone is completely ignoring you.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 23): The stars know you’re tired of your strokes, but don’t worry: There’s only one more to go.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24-NOV. 21): By the time you learn to relax, your vacation will be over.

— Madam Sarah/Rockford Register Star