John Ford: Time again for predictions

John Ford

It’s that time of the year again, time for the 2008 edition of Whirled Peas predictions.

Previous years saw the release of new albums by myself and other Daily staff members.

As I’m too old for "American Idol," I was hoping CD offerings such as “Sgt. Checker’s Daily Upchuck Band” would prove successful.

Alas, it didn’t pan out as I wanted. It seems no one wants to hear a pan flute version of “All You Need Is Love.”

Oh well, as the Beatles themselves used to sing “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Life Goes On.”

Without further ado, here are the predictions.

WEATHER IN THE NEWS: “The Fatman’s Almanac,” authored by yours truly, predicts this year’s weather patterns will give the Midwest a much needed break, as I just can’t handle another $%#@#$ ice storm! There will be a plague of infomercials upon much of the Midwest, however, as that Trudeau guy tries to sell yet another 5,000 different new books this winter. Meanwhile, the West Coast will continue to see a pestilence all its own, Girl Celebrities Gone Wild. And the East will experience a blizzard of BS (baloney sausages — what did you think I meant?) as the presidential campaign gets into full swing.

By the way, tonight’s weather: Dark. Continued dark until morning.

BAD GIRLS, BAD GIRLS: Female celebrity misbehaving will reach a new level as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and a female celebrity to be named later go on a cross-country road trip. The trio, riding in a turquoise 1957 Ford Thunderbird, will get lost in the Midwest, ending up in Neosho. There, after a rowdy night of partying at Sam’s Cellar, the three will wind up in the Newton County Jail drunk tank for public indecency as Britney does her slinky drunken skank dance for the 30th time of the evening. However, she’ll earn about $22 in tips. The trip ends with the trio driving their T-bird off of Ford Mountain into a mound of ice storm debris one local managing editor has been promising to do something with for the past year.

THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE: Let me look into my Magic 8-Ball to see who will get the nod this year. Will it be Obama? Will it be Rudy? Will it be Dr. Paul? Will it be Hillary? Hmmm, “Signs are Unclear. Try Again Later.”

ADVENTURES IN LAUNDRY: Daily News Managing Editor John Ford (moi) will try his hand in the writing game, as he publishes a guide for single guys. Included will be tips on doing everything around the house from cooking (make a folder of take-out menus and keep it by the phone) to laundry (don’t do it! Goodwill has plenty of shirts cheap. When they get dirty, donate them back. They’ll wash them up, and you can buy those shirts back for a quarter!). The guide is guaranteed to sell at least two copies, as I’ll likely buy two to give out as Christmas presents.

THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE: Eight ball, eight ball, speak to me / tell me who will win the presidency? “All Signs Say Yes.” What the heck does that mean???

I WILL SELL NO WINE BEFORE IT’S TIME: Fresh on the heels of the release of mega-smash “Charlie Wilson’s War,” Philip Seymour Hoffman will star in a biopic on the life of Orson Welles, voice of the Brain in “Pinky and the Brain.” What, he wasn’t the voice of the Brain? It was a guy doing an Orson Welles impersonation? Oh, balderdash and poppycock! Anyway, expect nationwide panic as thousands of movie-goers will take seriously the segment on Welles’ 1938 broadcast “War of the Worlds.” Tom Cruise, star of the latest remake of the late 19th Century H.G. Wells science fiction novel, will go on Oprah, jump on a couch, and generally make a fool of himself. Again.

THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE: Magic 8-Ball, hear my plea / who will run our country? “All circuits are busy at this time.” Rats!

TELL MONTEL: Oprah has made her endorsement. Now, talk show host Montel Williams comes out with his endorsement for president. It’s psychic Sylvia Brown. Actually, that makes a crazy kind of sense. With her soothsaying abilities, Sylvia will foresee any crisis long before it happens. And she always has good advice on getting ghosts out of our homes. “Just tell them they’re dead and they need to go to the light.” I even wrote a little jingle to help you remember her advice. “Tell any ghost you happen to see, ‘You’re dead! Get out of here!’ and watch them flee!” OK, so it’s just a rewording of the “Chicken of the Sea” jingle.

OH, JESSICA: After reading this column, Jessica Simpson will finally solve the riddle she has been pondering for many years regarding “Chicken of the Sea.” Jessica, hon, sweetie, it’s cat food. My cat, Mo-Man, just loves the stuff, and it’s cheap, too. Fifty-nine cents a can at Price Cutter (that’s a grocery store, a big place with lots of fluorescent lights where people buy food to take home and … aw, never mind).

THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE: Eight ball, eight ball, give me a sign / who’s gonna win the election this time?

Wait a minute. The mists are starting to clear. I’m starting to see a face. It looks like, it looks like, wait a minute, is that … D’oh! It’s Homer Simpson!

“Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a Spider Pig does …”

Darn, crummy cheap Magic 8-Ball, anyway!

Neosho Daily News