What's your sign?
Some predictions for 2008:
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): On your birthday, avoid becoming overwhelmed with the crushing sense of your mortality by downing a bottle of tequila and streaking. Oh, and your last hope of finding love is ruined when Russell Crowe is killed in captivity.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): Because of a typo in your Bible, you mistakenly spend a weeklong church retreat giving praise to the Lard God Almighty. Calling on him months later in the aftermath of that nasty warthog mauling will be futile — he’s still pissed at you.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): You’ll find yourself friendless and homesick in the latter part of the year as you’re released on parole. Don’t despair, though — you’ll soon find a way to get yourself back “inside.”
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): Everything will go smoothly for you this year, except for that incident with the bear and the honey. And the one with the bank and the SWAT team.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): You’ll have a craptacular 2008. Look at the bright side — you’ll be dead this time next year.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21): You’ll spend the first half of the year polishing your resume. Your fear that your phony medical degree will be exposed will turn out to be groundless when Cheddar’s hires you anyway.
CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 22): Your co-workers repeatedly fail to understand your crazy concept of flushing toilets after use. Try to make yourself understood by speaking more slowly and in one-syllable words.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): You will enjoy minor fame and public adoration after winning a reality show based on “Star Trek” trivia. Your notoriety comes to a crashing halt, however, once the 28th installment of “Big Brother” hits the airwaves in June.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): 2008 will be relatively uneventful until May, when, after opening six seals, you decide to open the seventh.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 23): The new year will be a time of great uncertainty for you, what with the sailors, monkeys, pot-bellied pigs and homeless men who wind up in your bed.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24-NOV. 21): You will see remarkable love and success in 2008. What you won’t be able to see is that semitrailer careening toward you.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): The plus side: You will discover the meaning of life. The down side: You will fail to carefully read the directions for operating a power tool for the 872nd and final time.
— Madam Sarah