What’s Your Sign?
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): You’ll wonder aloud this week if there’s anything duct tape can’t do, much to the amusement of your buddies and the horror of the EMTs.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): Your beloved Baxter will shock you when he travels 2,000 miles to return to you, but his loyalty is why you married him in the first place.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): New doors will open for you next week with a filed-down toothbrush and lots of patience.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest things. Fortunately for you, you’ll only encounter huge disasters this week.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): The stars keep talking about love, but you’re starting to get the feeling they’re not talking about you.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21): Your troubles will be over shortly, and witnesses will agree that you probably didn’t feel a thing.
CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 22): It’s true that people become what they hate, which is why you’re slowly turning into a Crocs-wearing redneck.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that “dark” has seven definitions that could apply in this case.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Your habit of solving things with your fists will come in handy this week as you learn calculus.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 23): Looking back, you can’t figure out how a win/win situation turned into a win/be savaged by ax-wielding monkeys situation.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24-NOV. 21): You’ll come to realize what’s important in life when your husband dies, freeing up the time you spent picking up his laundry.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): The hands of fate will point you toward wealth and love this week. Then they’ll grab your ass.
— Madam Sarah/Rockford Register Star