NEWS

Get ready for the big game with Packers jokes

Staff Writer
Mount Shasta Herald

Rockford Register Star readers were asked to send in their Green Bay Packers-inspired jokes, both for the team and against. Here’s a sample of what we got, to get you in the mood for Sunday’s game:

Favre is god

God asks Peyton Manning: “What do you believe?”

Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye and says, “I believe in hard work and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, “What do you believe?”

Tony says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.”

God is greatly moved by Tony’s sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Brett Favre: “And you, Brett, what do you believe?”

Brett replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

— submitted by Register Star columnist and Packer fan Geri Nikolai; Karen Patterson of Holland, Mich.; Deb Dietz of Loves Park, Ill.; Bruce R. Barnum of Bemidji, Minn.; and Rick Yates of Winnebago, Ill.

Or god is Favre?

A longtime football fan died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and started giving him a tour. 

After an hour of sightseeing, the fan said, “Y’know, St, Peter, one of my favorite things to do on Earth was to kick back on Sunday afternoons and watch football. You got any football up here?” 

St. Peter replied, “Of course. Come with me.” He then led the fan to the next cloud. There they saw a beautiful stadium full of fans. 

The fan then noticed that all players on both teams were wearing white uniforms without numbers. He inquired, and St. Peter told him, “Just watch for a while. You’ll understand soon. After all, this is heaven.”

Shortly, from the far side of the field, the fan saw a rosy-golden aura coming on the field. Then he saw a gold number 4 on the player’s chest. Happily, he said, “St. Peter, I am beginning to get the hang of this. That’s Brett Favre over there.”

St. Peter looked carefully and said, “Nah, that’s God. He just thinks he’s Brett Favre.”

— submitted by Art Swanson of Rockford, Ill.

Revenge

A man goes to the Chicago Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing playoff tickets. The teller replies that there weren’t any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.

The following day, the same man goes to the Bears ticket office and inquires about purchasing playoff tickets. The teller politely replies that there weren’t any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the playoffs.

This goes on for a week. Another week of this goes by, and the man still is asking the teller about Bears playoff tickets.

Finally the teller in a loud voice says, “I’VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS.”

The man replies, “I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay just to hear you say that!”

— submitted by Register Star Deputy Managing Editor and Packer fan Jennie Pollock, Randy Wescott of Loves Park, Ill., Justin Kink of Rockford, Ill., Bruce Schandelmeier of Winnebago, Ill., Janet Phelps of Loves Park, Ill., Stan Brengle of Machesney Park, Ill., and Rodney Bramlett of Rockford, Ill.

Don’t get too cocky ...

Why is it that Iowa doesn’t have a professional football team? Because then Illinois and Wisconsin would want one, too!

— submitted by Kathryn Gustafson of Rockton, Ill., who says “GO COLTS!”

Are you saying he’s dumb?

So you have two third graders. One is a Bears fan and one is a Packers fan. Which one is bigger?

The Packers fan, of course. He’s 18 years old!

— submitted by Darrick Wardenburg of Rockford, Ill.

Just four laughs

The following were submitted by Jonathan Kaplan of Rockford, Ill.

Three guys, a Dallas fan, a Packer fan, and a Viking fan, are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern, and a genie pops out of it.

“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the genie.

The Dallas fan says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Texas.”

With a blink of the genie’s eye, the land in Texas was forever made fertile for farming.

The Viking fan was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Minnesota so that no infidels, Bear fans or Packer fans can come into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around Minnesota.

The Packer fan asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state; nothing can get in or out.”

The Packer fan says, “Fill it up with water.”

***

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front.

He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead.”

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

“Oh no,” the guy said, “they’re all at the funeral.”

***

A man walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. He noted a dog intently watching a Packers-Bears game.

Whenever the Packers scored, the dog would jump onto the bar and do an animated dance. This happened over and over as the Packers scored again and again. At the end of the game the dog let out a loud howl and ran out of the bar.

The man thought this was pretty unusual and asked the bartender, “What happens when the Bears win?”

The bartender replied, “I don’t know, the dog’s only 4 years old.”

***

John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Cowboys’ bench. He asked Chan Gailey what it was for, and he was told it was a hot line to God. John asked if he could use it. Chan told him, “Sure, but it will cost you $50.”

John pulled out his wallet and made the call.

The next weekend, Madden was at Lambeau Field when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Packers’ bench. He asked Mike Holmgren if it was a hot line to God, and Mike said, “Yes, and you can use it for a quarter.”

John asked why it was so much cheaper than the Cowboys’ phone, and Ray replied, “Local call.”

And a few knocks on the Bears ...

Tracy Gresty of Loves Park, Ill., sends these anti-Bears jokes:

Q: What’s the difference between Cheerios and the Chicago Bears?

A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

Q: Why can’t a Chicago Bear get into his own driveway?

A: Someone painted an end zone on it.

Q: Why is the Bears’ quarterback unable to answer a telephone?

A: He can’t find the receiver.

Q: How many Bears fans does it take to change a light bulb at Soldier Field?

A: Three. One to change it, and two to talk about how good the old one was.