Kevin Haas: Superheroes don’t deserve the kibosh

Kevin Haas

A government regulatory commission is upping security on radioactive material, a move I, for one, am against.

Sure, as USA TODAY reported, it will stop terrorists seeking ingredients for dirty bombs, but it is also going to halt the lifeblood of the superhero community.

Without radioactive good guys, how are we supposed to fight evil warlords bent on world domination? With diplomacy? Ha!

Sure, these radioactive regulations make the world safer now, but we’ll regret it when a supervillain surfaces. I suppose the Nuclear Regulatory Commission just wants to rely on genetic mutations and aliens powered by the sun for all our crime-fighting.

That’s just poor planning.

Taste test

New research shows the more expensive something is, the better it tastes, people perceive. Which is why gasoline tastes so good lately.

The Associated Press reports that the human brain prefers pricey wines over cheaper ones — even the wine is really the same.

This explains why people prefer bottled water over tap, tap water over rain and rain over spit.

‘You have Columbus’

A new study, Reuters reports, blames Christopher Columbus for bringing syphilis to America. And since Columbus isn’t around to defend himself, we might as well accept this as fact.

You thought this guy’s PR took a hit with the whole thinking-America-was-India thing — he’s managing to continue to make himself look worse.

He discovered a land that was already inhabited and brought it a disgusting STD.

Really, how much more do you have to do before you get your holiday revoked?

On the bright side, this does give workers at the clinic a better way to break the bad news: “Guess what — you’re a part of history.”

Staff writer Kevin Haas writes for people with short attention ... ooh, look at that thing over there! Contact him at 815-544-3452 or