What's Your Sign?
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): As long as you’re personally involved in the process, this is no time to make important career or relationship decisions.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): The presence of Pluto in your sign typically means an increase in wealth, but since it’s been hanging out there for six months, it’s probably just out of work again.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): Continually mentioning that you only have two weeks left at Burger Shak is really just tempting fate.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): It’s nice that you enjoyed the beer, mu shu pork and Fritos, but the genie is really surprised you didn’t try the old “wishing for more wishes” trick.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21): If people call you cold and callous, remind them how long you cried over Lynryd Skynrd.
CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 22): Valentine’s Day is almost upon you. And once again, it doesn’t mean anything.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Your fear of dying alone will be quashed when 2,000 bees join you for your final minutes.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Your excitement over the new arrival in your life quickly ends when it arrives with claws and horns.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 23): Like all Libras, you are uncommonly patient. However, if the boyfriend doesn’t start taking you out in public soon, dump him.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24-NOV. 21): Low-fat diets are of little help to people like you who are destined to be run over by city buses.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): Be sensitive to others’ needs this week. For instance, mothers-in-law chained in your basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): It’s back to basics next week, when you have to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
Madam Sarah/Rockford Register Star