Noah Blundo: Flagging folk tales and nursery rhymes

Noah Blundo

"This porridge is too hot," said the mother bear.

"This porridge is too cold," said the father bear.

"This children's story of house-crashing bears could be insensitive to Russians who use the bear as a symbol of national pride," said the government nitwit.

OK, the above didn't actually happen, but something similar did happen in Merry Old England, and that will be the topic of today's column until I find a tangent to go off on.

Over there in the former mother country, it seems someone has come up with an animated virtual book that retells the story of the three little pigs, titled "The Three Little Cowboy Builders."

But when the book was entered in the government-run Bett Awards, it was chastised by judges because the use of pigs as protagonists could be offensive to Muslims. I'm guessing they probably don't teach "Charlotte's Web" over there.

But it gets better. The book's title and the first two pigs' classic shoddy construction are up for criticism as well. As the Sydney Morning Herald reported, the judges also said:

"Is it true that all builders are cowboys, builders get their work blown down, and builders are like pigs? The idea of taking a traditional tale and retelling a story is fine, but it should not alienate parts of the work force."

Maybe that's why new housing starts are down – all the contractors withdrew from society because they were offended by children's literature.

As a courtesy, I've decided to make a list flagging some more of our classic youthful folk tales and nursery rhymes so we don't commit the grievous offense, god forbid, of offending someone. And you know, while we're at it, why don't we just burn all available copies?

The Emperor's New Clothes. No good, promotes public nudity. Also, reminds me too much of the past seven years.

The Ugly Duckling. Swans are mean – my uncle got attacked by one once.

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Magic mushrooms. Need I say more?

Sleeping Beauty. I'm not really finding much wrong with this one, but the evil queen in the Disney version used to scare the bejeebers out of me.

The Princess and the Pea. Insensitive to people with sleeping disorders.

The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. Most shoes fail to meet proper zoning, fire safety and off-street parking regulations, and thus habitation could prove hazardous to the occupants.

Hopefully, following the principles in the above list will help protect your little ones from ever offending someone and/or having a fulfilling life.

As a final aside, this will be my final column. So, to those who liked my columns and wrote in to tell me so, I say: Thank you. To those who thought they were an insufferable lot of drivel and potty humor, I say: Pppphhhhbbbbbbttttt!

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