Peter Costa: Help is in your driveway

Peter Costa

I saw an interesting vehicle as I drove to work recently. It was a white, step-in van that sported these words on its sides: “Flying Fur, Mobile Pet Grooming.” What a great idea. I can imagine how this concept could spread to other service areas.

Flying organs: Mobile Surgical Units. Tired of long lines at the hospital? Then let us come to your driveway to install that new kidney. (Customer must provide small refrigerator for organs.)

You’ve got to have heart. Don’t wait for paramedics to slog their way through traffic when we can be at your door in less time with our roving, radio-dispatched heart vans. (Customer must provide heavy-duty electrical power cord to recharge defibrillator.)

Peripatetic psychiatry. Still giving into your kleptomania and stealing napkins from unlocked cars? Well, you don’t have to wait months for your psychiatrist to come back from vacationing in Tuscany. Our Freudian-trained analysts will meet you in your car and provide instant input. (Customer must have a car seat that can recline fully.)

Divorce Doves. If you’re contemplating the Big Split, then call our divorce team. These experts can help you avoid exorbitant alimony and outrageous settlements. They can meet you in the privacy of your garage and outline strategies to make you a free person again. (Garage must be either detached from the house or otherwise separated from the home that is in dispute.)

Air Accountants.  Before you mail in that tax return, let our helicopter-borne accountants land on your lawn to provide you with the latest changes in the US Tax Code. (Customer must provide paper receipts and a solar-powered calculator.)

Eagle Eyes: Mobile Optometry.  Forget those high prices for designer glasses at the mall. We can come to your driveway with the latest selection from top US and Italian designers. Because we also install auto glass, we can offer a 50 percent discount on your eyeglasses if you purchase a new windshield. (Customer must provide a 20-foot path for us to install our eye chart on an easel.)

Driving Miss Dental. Many people, to their dismay, discover that the drive home from the dentist’s office may be more painful than the actual visit to the dentist. Dozens of people each year are pulled over by police and mistakenly arrested for DUI when actually their slurred speech was simply the aftereffect of nova cane. Now the dentist can fill cavities, install crowns and perform root canals right in your driveway. (Patient must supply garden hose water hookup.)

Peter Costa is a senior editor with the Community Newspaper Company. His book, “CostaLiving: Laughing through Life,” a collection of his humor columns is available at amazon.com and Barnes & Noble bookstores.)