Pam Adams: They'd love to see Bush but can't afford to
Dear President Bush,
I regret to inform you that Harry and Louise will not be able to attend the fundraiser for Republican congressional candidate Aaron Schock tomorrow at Weaver Angus Farm.
Nor will they be mailing a $500 donation to Mr. Schock's campaign. As much as they would like a once-in-a-lifetime photo opportunity with you, their inability to attend the event naturally precludes them from taking advantage of a $5,000 photo opportunity with you.
Harry and Louise realize that no RSVP is required for a political fundraiser. However, they would be devastated if their non-attendance was mistaken for non-interest, or worse, disloyalty. That is why they asked me to write this note assuring you that they are still devoted supporters.
They want to be sure you know that they would never abandon the party or succumb to half-truths or distortions spread by the liberal, left-wing media.
Others may be fair-weather friends or RINOs (Republican in Name Only) who withdraw their support when you need it most. But Harry and Louise are pleased and proud to live in an area where Mr. Schock welcomes visits by former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert and you, Mr. President; where a county state's attorney candidate like Darin LaHood welcomes a visit by former Attorney General John Ashcroft; and where that al-Marri fellow could not get away.
They believe this shows the strong patriotism and Christian, moral character of central Illinois. Neither $500 or $5,000 is too much to ask to help a young man who may well become the party's savior and the country's salvation.
At one time, Harry and Louise believed this young man could save the state, but it has become clear that was too much to expect, even of him. So they are enthusiastic about sending him to Congress, where he can be 500 percent more effective than he is in the state Legislature.
Harry and Louise would have written this note themselves, but they have been distracted lately. They would not want me to mention that their computer, as well as their other belongings, have been in storage since the foreclosure. They lounge at the public library during the day, but there is always a long line at the public computer terminals. At night they park their van in the parking lot of a super-discount center in the city of Peoria's Fifth District, where they feel safer sleeping than they would at other locations. The store manager has been kind enough to let them use the store's restroom to wash up each morning.
They say this is one more example of private enterprise working more efficiently than government-run operations.
They have not had much work since 1993 because neither party has made a real attempt at real health-care reform on the national level. However, Harry and Louise are not whiners. They know they would be in bad financial shape if you hadn't cut taxes. They are sure the world be less safe if you hadn't taken out Saddam Hussein. They know it is their personal responsibility - not the government's - to get their house in order.
That is, when and if they find a place to live.
P.S. Elements of this note from an otherwise fictitious Harry and Louise are based in truth. The rest is full of the distortions that can occur when the highest-ranking public official in the land comes to town solely for a political ally's private gain without appearing at a single public event.
Pam Adams is a columnist with the Peoria Journal Star. Her e-mail address is email@example.com.