Gary Brown: Bringing words of wisdom into the 21st century

Gary Brown

Old adages, updated:

- A bird in the hand is most likely endangered, and probably worth more than your bushes to government-recognized bird experts, so it probably will keep you from shaping the shrubs and perhaps even from trimming the trees and mowing your lawn because of concerns over diminishing habitat.

- An ounce of prevention might not be covered by your company's medical plan, so you should probably ask your physician to submit complete claim forms to your insurance carrier before purchasing a pound of cure.

- Blood, no matter its degree of thickness, should be divided into three distinct samples and the A-sample should be tested for viruses and banned drugs before the B-sample is compared against the thickness of water, with the identity of the donor of the blood samples and the source of the water kept in the strictest of confidence until it is leaked to the press.

Better than nothing

- All work and no play makes Jack sort of appreciative that he has a job at all, so he can afford to go home at night and be a dull boy.

- Beauty is only scalpel and skin cream deep.

- Beggars usually don't choose their lives, so they can't be just told to "get lost" for fear of legal action over invasion of a beggar's right to privacy and for violation of said beggar's additional right to stand on a public sidewalk and — carefully avoiding actually grabbing the wallets and purses of passers-by — see if anybody believes that story about running out of gas a few streets away with the wife and a large number of kids in the car.

- All that glitters should be collected, identified, cataloged, photographed and sold on eBay.

- Don't count your chickens before they're hatched, or even after, and if you touch them while counting, wash your hands and the surface of the counting area before touching other food to keep from contaminating that food with the salmonella that is often present in both counted and uncounted chickens.

- If it ain't broke, you don't need to fix it, so you wasted your money on the extended warranty, like your father-in-law said you would.

Money still talks

- If you can't beat 'em, request a trade to join 'em, and then seek a long-term multimillion-dollar contract with 'em, with a no-leave 'em clause and an option to stay with 'em for additional years that can be exercised by both you and 'em.

- People who live in glass houses are going to regret it at resale time.

- There is not such thing as a free lunch, although there are many varied and tasty value menus.

- There is nothing certain except death and taxes and TV reruns.

- There is a sucker born every minute, and that hasn't changed since P.T. Barnum's time.

- Laughter is the best medicine, and while it, too, probably is not covered by your medical insurance, it also is likely to be far less costly than your co-pay.

- All's well that ends without a libel suit.

Reach Repository Living Section Editor Gary Brown at (330) 580-8303 or e-mail