David Ryan Palmer: Of lobsters and stamps

David Ryan Palmer

Someone's pointed out a strange correlation to me, via MySpace (which is the way I get all of my correlations, by the way): About the same time as people received their food stamps from the hurricanes that blew through, there was a run on lobster at the tank in Wal-Mart.

This can mean only one thing: The government has given the lobsters food stamp cards of their own, and they don't need to work for food any longer, so they've quit their jobs at Wal-Mart and are simply sitting around on the beach in their travel homes (lobsters are like turtles, right?) soaking up the sun and welfare.

I am angered by this. How dare these lobsters leech off of the good will of Louisiana taxpayers? Some of these lobsters are quite large, and obviously could use a bit of a diet; and they are ill tempered, too! Always quickly to snap at one's fingers.

The taxpayers of Louisiana shouldn't be like frogs in this instance, not noticing that the water is getting hotter and hotter. Our taxes are high enough without such blatant fraud. What with the worker shortage here, these lobsters should get off of their metaphorical and literal tails and begin working.

Not only that, but lobsters have been known to scavenge (probably from high scale restaurants, which I suppose is an embarrassment to those places) food, and even to eat their own moltings (a word with which I'm not familiar with, does it have something to do with chocolate malts? If so, then awesome).

According to Wikipedia, lobsters can live for up to 100 years. What happens if lobsters all over the country get it in their heads that they can just mooch off of the system like they are here? Social Security and problems like Wall Street are NOTHING compared to a large population of 80 year old lobsters all hanging out in the supermarket line, waiting to use their food stamp cards.

And lobsters can work. "But lobsters don't have hands!" You may be asking. (Or yelling, if you like to yell, some people are like that.)

No, they don't have hands. They have pinchers. Just think of the applications that their pinchers could have:

- Those thick rubber bands that grocery stores use to bind broccoli. These lobsters could be doing a valuable service if they could be called up to a consumers home and could snip those things.

- Frayed or loose threads in clothing.

- Self defense classes involving scissors. Because who would know how to use scissors than something that has them for hands?

The government was too quick to hand out food stamps after the storms. People who lost homes due to storm surge. Of course. People who, because of evacuation orders, used up a significant portion of their budget during the evacuation? Absolutely.

But to arbitrarily give food stamps to lobsters that already had high paying, lucrative jobs at Wal-Mart, or Sam's Club, or Red Lobster (which we don't have here, unfortunately; I love their steaks) seems like needless excess. Make those hard shelled layouts pull their own (up to 44.4 pounds, according to the Guinness Book of World Records) weight!

David Ryan Palmer would like to point out that there is no metaphor in this article. He also was disappointed that the Guinness Book of World Records wasn't about beer. Contact him at