NEWS

Culture Clash: Can strung-out pop princess or robot monkey save our economy?

Tim Malcolm and John Meo

Meo: You, me and everyone else in America who pay taxes own pieces of our floundering banking industry. Because we can’t do any worse than the jerks who got us into this mess, fact or fiction, what would you do if you owned a bank?

Malcolm: Invest in our future. No, not the future in the S&P 500 sense, but the future in the Maxim Hot 100 sense. Put our money in tween pop stars, hungover pop princesses and sandwich-needing movie models. Seriously. They’ll put the money right back in the economy buying alcohol, prescription drugs and Starbucks coffee, and they won’t take out loans. And if you think I’m being ultra-conservative with a “don’t hurt the rich” scheme, give money to poor good-looking people. They’ll know what to do with it. Sing it with me, John: Yes we can!

Meo: I’d invest in samurai robot monkeys. That makes as much sense as anything else that goes on the market, plus, I’d have that industry cornered. A samurai robot monkey of your very own? Who wouldn’t want one? I’ll tell you who. No one. That’s who. Now that’s an investment in the future. You can keep your shooting-star tween pop princesses. Samurai. Robot. Monkeys. That’s a winning combination. That’s staying power. That’s something America can bank on. Nov. 4 vote for America. Vote for your children. Vote Meo.

Malcolm: Does this show how much we care about this market crash? And really, does it show how much America really cares — I’m talking about middle-class Joe Sixpack. Do we know anything about the stock market? Do we know anything about where our money goes to stir around and get bigger? I’d like to think if I put my future in some bin that’s played around with by a bunch of people in a room in New York, 50 years later, that future will be some gigantic tree that Sam Waterston stands by, waxing philosophical with an apple in his hand. But I can’t think that, and yet, I know nothing about how to fix it. That’s what’s wrong with our country — too many people just rely on too few people.

Meo: I’d believe ANYTHING Samuel Atkinson Waterston told me. Either way, you don’t “fix” the market. You ride it, for better or worse. Maybe we need crash courses in economics and investment. Maybe we need sedatives.

Malcolm: Ah, so you’re saying we should all know economics. Should we all play, too? Should we all get our fair share? A-ha! You’re a commie! Welcome to the dark (red) side, John.

Norwich Bulletin