Lost in Suburbia: Addicted to coffee makers

Tracy Beckerman

Some people have coffee addiction issues. I have coffee MAKER addiction issues. 

I started out with an old-fashioned percolator that my mother passed on to me when I got married. But that was cumbersome, archaic and made much more coffee than I needed for my morning cup-a Joe. So then I got a cool, new state-of ­the-art 10-cup coffee maker. It was a great coffee maker, but since I am the only one in my house who drinks coffee, and I don’t routinely have 10 coffee-guzzling guests over, it was still more than I needed. So then I went out and got a 4-cup coffee maker. This was better, but I often found that I would drink one cup and still have a pot of coffee left over. I soon realized that I was a single-cup coffee drinker in a multi-cup world.

Then one day, I went to someone’s house and saw that they had a 1-cup coffee maker. I realized that this was the coffee maker of my dreams: It was perfectly suited to my needs -- and pretty cute, to boot. I ran out and got one, and then realized there was one hitch:  It made lousy coffee. Really, really lousy coffee. I tried cleaning the well, flushing it with vinegar, changing filters, and even changing brands of coffee -- but it was no use. It kept making lousy coffee. Horrible coffee. Like the kind you get out of a machine at a car dealership. Sludge.

Fed up with the situation, I decided to take a vacation from my coffee-maker madness, and I went to visit my mother for a few days. One morning while I was there, she offered me a cup of coffee.

“I drink decaf,” I said.

“Oh, I drink regular,” she said.

“OK, then, never mind,” I told her. “I don’t want you to have to make two pots.”

“It’s not a problem,” she responded. “I have a Keurig.”

I thought she was telling me about some dermatological problem she had until she showed me a funny-looking coffee maker. She popped in a little coffee pod, added some water, pressed the button, and presto -- decaf. Then she popped in another little pod, pressed the button, and presto -- regular. I was in coffee maker love.

As soon as I got home, I ran out and bought a Keurig and a million little coffee pods. Giggling, I set the thing up and then stood back and admired it. I was giddy with coffee maker satisfaction. My multiple coffee maker days were over. I had a Keurig.

Then one day my dad came to visit.  He noticed my Keurig, as well as the old 1-cup coffee maker I still had on the counter, and the three other coffee makers in the cabinet.

“Ack,” he exclaimed. “You have your mother’s coffee maker addiction. She has hundreds of coffee makers, too.”

“Yes, but now we both have a Keurig, so our coffee maker buying days are over.”

“Well that’s a relief,” he said.

I smiled and looked at my watch. “Oh, we have to leave to go pick up the kids at school. Wanna stop at Dunkin’ Donuts and get a cup of coffee?”

Tracy Beckerman’s book, “Rebel without a Minivan” is available online at www.rebelwithoutaminivan.com and Amazon.