Philip Maddocks: God confirms he is just doing Lloyd Blankfein’s work
At a rare public appearance in lower Manhattan this week, God offered his strongest support to date for the unparalleled and "blessed" wealth accumulation at Goldman Sachs, reaffirming that He, the Almighty, was "just doing Lloyd Blankfein’s work."
As Blankfein, Goldman Sachs’ 55-year-old chairman and chief executive, looked on approvingly, God told reporters that Blankfein understands that "people are pissed off, mad, and bent out of shape" at bankers’ actions, but that anger is misplaced, not to mention an abomination to omnipotent and omniscient money changers everywhere.
"I’ve got news for you," the Almighty added. "If Lloyd Blankfein goes down, our heavenly business is going down and, trust me, any hope you and anyone else had of making it to the hereafter is going down, too."
Like one who has survived a near-death experience, God now says that the credit crunch has rekindled his innate passion for Blankfein and his moneymaking.
"I just want to enjoy what he is doing," He said. "I am trying to live every day to the fullest – as if it might be Lloyd Blankfein’s last."
The Almighty, outfitted in a smartly tailored aura of all-knowingness accented with gold cuff links, admits now that the meltdown that almost destroyed the global financial system also shook his faith to the core. There were times, He recalled, when He had difficulty "looking at himself in the mirror in the morning" and found that He was frequently questioning the benevolence of a world economy that would inflict such widespread suffering.
"At the time, it just didn’t seem to square with my idea of what an all loving economic system would do. It led me to question whether money really existed. But that’s where my belief in Lloyd Blankfein helped sustain me," God said. "I took comfort in the knowledge that his love for money was unconditional and everlasting and that he and Goldman Sachs had a plan for me that would be revealed in due time."
But even so, the Almighty conceded that on several occasions over the last year He was on the brink of giving in to temptation and forsaking Blankfein, Goldman, and the whole system.
He said, "I remember thinking it was the devil’s work. I was just convinced of it."
It was then, God said, that Blankfein took Him to the 30th floor at 85 Broad St., the location of his Goldman Sachs office.
"Behold," he said. And below God said he could see the wreckage of Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers torn asunder.
God said Blankfein asked him if he still doubted the existence of money. And God said He did not. Then Blankfein asked God if he believed Goldman Sachs’ money was more powerful than Bear Stearns or Lehman Brothers. And God said He did.
"Behold," Blankfein said. And below God said he could see men and women dressed in Wall Street black, clutching black briefcases and BlackBerrys, hurrying from their black Lincoln town cars.
And God said Blankfein asked him if he believed Goldman Sachs’ money was more powerful than all the bankers scurrying around below. And God said He did.
And when Blankfein asked God to behold the Treasury Building, God said the two masters of the universe briefly exchanged glances before breaking out in laughter.
In town to promote his new autobiography, "Going Vogue: Everything Lloyd Blankfein Learned He Taught to Me," God said he is at peace with the economic world again.
"I see now there is so much love there, so much faith and devotion," He said. "I just find it impossible not to be inspired by so much abundance. We all believe, like Lloyd Blankfein, that by the time the New York Stock Exchange bell rings the next morning, we will all be that much richer."
Philip Maddocks can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.