Flicks: Default ‘Twilight’ box office runners-up fail to impress
New Moon” made $120-ish million this weekend. Flicks is shocked! SHOCKED!!
Reports are 80 percent of the tickets were sold to women. What’s shocking is men admitted to seeing the movie. But Flicks isn’t here to judge — oh, wait, that’s exactly what Flicks is here for!
For the record, only “The Dark Knight” and “Spider-Man 3” (which also, for the record, was a pile of filth), had better opening weekends. Well, huzzah. And there’s two more “Twilights” to which we can look forward.
More record keeping: “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2” made $550 million in five days.
It’s unlikely “New Moon” will be shifted from the top spot next weekend, so let’s look at this week’s default runners up.
Viggo Mortensen and his beard are back for “The Road,” a movie based on a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel I have not read.
It’s a post-apocalyptic parable and about a father and son making a jour ... geeetting sooo sleee-py. ... If you want post-apocalypse action, watch “Doomsday.” Granted, it’s a disease movie, but there are no zombies, just an overload of mohawks and leather pants. Why? Because everyone wearing leather pants makes the end of civilization a little more rockin’.
“Doomsday” ranks in my Top 5 “Best-Worst Favorite Movies,” and I promise you, you’ll hate it so much you’ll love it.
Flicks gives “The Road” a noncommittal shrug, but serious consideration to reading the book.
From the people who insulted us with “Wild Hogs” — old guys on motorcycles! — comes “Old Dogs” — old single guys with kids! — which will likely be followed by “Split Logs,” “Soggy Bogs,” “Hoppin’ Frogs,” and “Dude, Where’s My Clogs?”
Remember when Robin Williams was funny? Me neither. All right, I do, but it seems a lifetime ago. Williams was Jim Carrey before Jim Carrey, the comedic icon (deserved or no) who decided to “do serious work.” Ugh.
Let’s see. He was fantastic in “Death to Smoochy” ... that was 2002 ... squiggly lines, squiggly lines ... all right, I’m going with “Club Paradise” from 1986. And now he’s the straight man in an impossibly cliched alpha male-succumbs-to-paternal-instinct train wreck. Oh, Robin, how far you haven’t fallen after all.
John Travolta’s career arc is just as bizarre, although, upon review, he didn’t disappear quite the way I thought he did. He went five years between “Look Who’s Talking” (Yes, it was a hit. Yes, I saw it in the theaters. Yes, my mom realized too late boy parts were exploring girl parts.) in 1989 to “Pulp Fiction” in 1994. Considering the length of JT’s career, that’s not so shabby.
But once again, we have Disney to thank for a lifeless cash grab. And the mouse didn’t even trust Williams and Travolta to go it alone. Seth Green and Justin Long had to be called in from the hipster bullpen.
I bet 30 years from now Green and Long are standing in the shoes once occupied by their co-stars, wondering where the years went and do we really need a check this bad? Short answer: yes.
“Old Dogs 6” beaming directly to your brain in 2039.