Tracy Beckerman: Counseling the Kringles

Tracy Beckerman

Host: “Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Our guests today come to us all the way from the North Pole. Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Claus.”  (light applause). “Now, the Clauses may seem like a special couple, but underneath those matching red suits, he's a working guy and she's a stay-at-home wife just like many of you. And just like any married couple, things can get a little rocky under the mistletoe from time to time, if you know what I mean. Mr. Claus, can I call you Santa?”

Santa: “Sure, Phil.”

Host: “Santa, what seems to be the problem with you and the Mrs.?”

Santa: “Well, Phil, I know I can be a tough guy to be married to, what with my crazy work schedule Christmas Eve and all the toys strewn around the house. But I think I've done a good job keeping the reindeer out of the kitchen and making sure the elves put the toilet seat down when they use the bathroom.”

Host: “What do you think, Mrs. Claus?”

Mrs. Claus: “It's not just Christmas Eve, Phil. In the last month he must have been to every mall in the country. We never saw him. And let me tell you something, those are not just little children sitting on his lap, either. I've seen more that a few moms whispering in Santa's ear what they want for Christmas!”

Santa: “I keep telling you, that's not me. Those are imposters.”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh and I suppose the guy who comes down everyone's chimney is an imposter, too?”

Santa: “No, that's me.”

Mrs. Claus: “Well, if you can miraculously fit down a chimney with that big belly of yours, why couldn't you manage to get home in time for breakfast Christmas morning?”

Santa: “I got lost on the way back.”

Mrs. Claus: “I find that hard to believe.”

Santa: “Why is that?”

Mrs. Claus: “Because we just got you that new GPS navigation device for the reindeer last year. Even if you did get lost, where would you end up ... The North Pole?”

Host: “Santa ... Mrs. Claus ... I think I get the picture. Mrs. Claus, it seems like you're feeling a little neglected around the holidays, is that right?”

Mrs. Claus: “Maybe a little.”

Host: “And Santa, are you feeling the pull between work pressure and family?”

Santa: “I suppose.”

Host: “Mrs. Claus, if you could have anything you wanted for Christmas, what would it be?”

Mrs. Claus: “Hmmm. Just once, I'd like to be the one to go out in the sled Christmas Eve, stay out all night, deliver the toys and get to eat the cookies.”

Santa: “You can't do that, dear.”

Mrs. Claus: “Why not?”

Santa: “Because the song is 'Santa Claus is coming to town,' not 'Mrs. Claus is coming to town'!”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh, I'll just put on a red suit and a fake beard. No one will know the difference. And you can stay home and wash all those elf clothes.”

Santa: “You know, it's not so easy being Santa Claus. I got to tell you, the day after Christmas is a real bummer. Two-thirds of the toys come back. This one got an Xbox and he wanted a Wii. That one got a Barbie and she wanted a Bratz. It's a nightmare!”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh boo-hoo. Poor Santa.”

Santa: “You better not pout. You better not cry!”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh, please. Like I haven't heard that song and dance before.”

Host: “Mr. and Mrs. Claus, where's the love? Where's the joy? Where's the Ho Ho Ho in your Happy Ho Ho Home? You two need to take time to stop and smell the eggnog. Let the kids be nice; you two need to get a little naughty, if you catch my snowdrift! Hey, Santa, Mrs. Claus is waiting for you to hurry down the chimney tonight!”

Santa: “You know what, Phil? You're right! Hey, honey, how about if we take off for a few days and head down to the South Pole for a little merry us time?”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh Santa, that sounds nice. But who's going to watch the elves?”

Santa: “Let me call Jack Frost and see if he's around. Oh, and Phil, sorry about that coal last year.”

Host: “No problem. OK, let’s take a break. When we come back, Santa's elves: little helpers or sweatshop slaves? You decide!”

Tracy’s book, “Rebel without a Minivan” makes a great holiday gift!  Get yours at Amazon and other online booksellers!