Pop Culture: Unloading a few everyday annoyances

Dennis Volkert

Writing a humor column can be fun, but there’s a downside.

To make room in my brain for the happy stuff, negative thoughts and pet peeves pile up over time.

It’s all minor stuff, but once in a while it’s good to unload all that baggage and start afresh.

So allow me a tirade this week, to get it out of my system. I?call this “little things I?hate.”

Little things I hate:

  • Writer’s block.
  • Spiders.
  • Chocolate-chip cookies containing nuts.
  • SNL?movie spinoffs.
  • “Impact” used as a verb.
  • Dr. Pepper.
  • Getting stuck with the puke-brown board-game piece.
  • Dialing a wrong number, and having the person on the other end get angry at you for accidentally calling them.
  • Great bands with bad names.
  • Bad bands with great names.
  • A, E, I, O, U — and sometimes Y.
  • Months with five Mondays.
  • Years with 13 months.
  • Driving over a pothole.
  • Stepping in a mud puddle.
  • Falling face-first into a vat of ketchup.
  • Reno is farther west than San Diego.
  • Breaking a shoelace on your Crocs.
  • The final 115 minutes of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”
  • The middle third of the periodic table.
  • A list of “Best celebrity names” that doesn’t include Wink Martindale.
  • People who think they’re too important to say, “You’re welcome, please.”
  • Blowing a spelling bee on an easy word like “floccinaucinihilipilification.”
  • People who name their cat “President William Henry Harrison.”
  • Going out for dinner wearing a brand new shirt, and the waiter spills a whole glass of Tide on it.
  • Nobody put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong.
  • Mules that refuse to be stubborn.
  • A deck of playing cards with 52 cards missing.
  • Redundancy.
  • Redundancy.
  • Failing to invent the cotton gin.
  • Dreaming that you’re rich, famous and successful, then waking up and realizing it’s all true.
  • Halfway through preparing a big meal, you run out of bauxite.
  • Trying to teach an ostrich how to play pinball.
  • Being reincarnated as a bag of pretzels.
  • “Little things I?hate” lists.