Flicks: Suspend your disbelief for ‘Hex’ and ‘Toy Story’
There’s simply no excuse for bad taste. And because we are a nation that enjoys “Jersey Shore” and “Survivor” and whatever reality TV is the flavor of the week, it comes as no surprise that “The Karate Kid” and “The A-Team,” two of the bigger Hollywood cash-ins in recent memory, are Nos. 1 and 2 at the box office.
But because I am a benevolent movie ... um ... columnist-like person, I shall forgive this week’s mistakes in favor of highlighting next week’s.
“Jonah Hex” is a DC Comics property, which should tell you something. If it doesn’t, I will tell you what it should be telling you in the first place: It’s a second-string property, like all DC properties, and yes, I’m looking squarely at you, Superman, and you, Batman.
“Jonah Hex” is the story of an Old West bounty hunter, or it was last time I checked. He could be an alien or a ghost or a character from a beloved yet awful ’80s TV series reimagined for the big screen. At this point, I’m not even sure there will be horses. Maybe there will be living metal motorcycles powered by yams and happy thoughts. Who knows? And guns? Hah! More like gun fingers.
It stars Josh Brolin as the title character. Don’t ask him about his face. Research (thanks again, Internet) suggests he’s the only one who can stop a madman from blah blah blah ... seen it before, heard it before.
John Malkovich is Quentin Turnbull, our madman for the evening. All right, Malkovich is fine.
Oh ... right ... hello Megan Fox. It’s been awhile. Are you well? I see you’ve moved on. That’s good. What’s that? You’re playing a prostitute? I see. In a Western based on a comic ... and “Transformers” wasn’t high art? You realize lowly “Transformers” is $500 million every time and is responsible for you being you? No, no you don’t, I suppose.
“Jonah Hex” = junk.
Which brings me to “Toy Story 3.” Andy’s all growed up, so what’s a toy to do? Get donated, of course.
Let me say this. By the time I was ready for college, my beloved G.I. Joes and Transformers extensive, expensive collections had been whittled to Beachhead’s upper torso, a scratched-up Cobra Commander (the original one) and two broken Constructicons.
We’re expected to believe Andy kept every one of his toys in that mint or near condition? I can suspend my disbelief for many outlandish, strange and flat-out stupid ideas, but this I cannot abide.
Toys don’t last. They’re not supposed to.
Likewise, “Toy Story 3” simply can’t stand the test of time. This is “Shrek Forever After” waiting to happen. And by that, I mean it will be awful but make piles and piles of green.
John Meo writes for the Norwich Bulletin in Norwich, Conn.