Lost in Suburbia: The turkey, part deux

Tracy Beckerman

I saw my neighbor flagging me down as I pulled out of the driveway.

“Be careful,” she warned. “The wild turkey is lurking around.”

Had I not had an unpleasant run-in with said wild turkey a week earlier, I might have thought this was an odd thing to say to someone. But I was well acquainted with the neighborhood turkey, so I nodded to her in understanding.

“Thanks, Jody,” I yelled through my window. “But I’m covered.  I took out additional wild turkey insurance.”

She laughed as I cautiously continued on my way.

You should know that in general, I’m not against wild animals, especially benign ones like turkeys. I actually love living in a particularly rural part of the suburbs and enjoy seeing the occasional deer, fox and woodchuck. But this turkey was a bad egg. He was a foul fowl. He was an all around nasty bird and I, for one, wouldn’t mind seeing him surrounded by stuffing and cranberry relish on a platter.

There was no sign of the turkey as I headed out of my neighborhood to drop my son off at school. But when I returned about 10 minutes later, I had completely forgotten about the Evil Turkey of Suburbia until something massive suddenly shot past my windshield.

Stunned by the strange object, I yanked my wheel to the side to avoid whatever it was and then slammed on the breaks as I hit the curb. I looked out my window and saw the turkey land in the driveway of the house next to me. It looked at me with its cold, turkey eyes, and then it gobbled.

That’s when I lost it.

“Are you KIDDING me?” I bellowed, clamoring out of the car in a fury. “You big, stupid bird. You almost made me crash my car!”

Evil Turkey just stared at me.

“Who the heck even knew wild turkeys could fly?” I yelled at the wild turkey that apparently could fly.

Evil Turkey just stared at me some more.

While I bellowed and he stared, I suddenly became aware of the fact that the homeowner – the NEW homeowner – of the home and driveway where I stood, was standing at the front door watching this strange scenario.

“Everything OK?” she asked nervously.

I realized I probably looked like a lunatic standing there yelling at a turkey. This poor woman probably thought she had just bought a house on Crazy Street.

“This giant turkey flew in front of my car and it scared me so much I almost crashed and it’s the same turkey that blocked the road when I was trying to drive down the street last week,” I said in what even I realized was a truly insane sounding explanation.

She looked around to where I was gesturing.

“What turkey?” she asked.

I looked around, too. The turkey had flown the coop. Now the new lady REALLY must have thought I was nuts. 

“Oh, well … um. There was a turkey,” I laughed nervously.  “Well … gotta go!  Nice meeting you.” I said as I started inching my way back to the car.

“Do you live around here?” she asked.

“Yes, I live around the corner,” I responded. “My name is Jody.”

For more Lost in Suburbia, visit Tracy’s blog at