Gary Brown: Want to lose weight? Try one of these new diets

Gary Brown

When it comes to lifestyle topics, we like to be trendy. I just thought these diets up, so you can’t get more current than that.

If you’re trying to lose weight, see if they might work for you.

Fun House Distortion Mirror Diet — Buy one of those old-style carnival fun house mirrors that you can purchase through at websites. Before every meal, stand in front of the mirror. If you happen to stand in a spot where the mirror makes you appear thin, but really wavy, you won’t eat much, because your stomach will be a little bit queasy from looking as though you’re body parts are moving. If you stand in a place where it makes you look huge, you won’t eat anything at all, perhaps for days. If you want your spouse to be so nervous that he can’t eat either, ask him, “Do you think this mirror makes my butt look big?”

Gotta Eat What Ya Get Diet — As you stroll through the grocery store on a shopping trip, buy only things you dislike. For special meals, throw into the cart some foods that you’d prefer not to eat, but at least they don’t make you gag. When you sit down for your meals, you’ll eat something, because let’s face it, you’ll be starving from a steady diet of this stuff. But it’s a safe bet you won’t eat much. And, you’ll still get an incredible amount of nutrition, since we all know from childhood that nasty-tasting things generally are very good for you, even in small quantities that you swallow quickly and wash down with milk.

Texas-Hold ’Em Poker Diet — Make your meals into a poker game. Take a deck of cards to the table and turn dinner every night into a “World Series of Eating.” Bet a pile of french fries. Or a bowl of soup. Maybe a side dish of green beans. Then a scoop of some casserole. Check first, then raise a family member who is betting with your plate full of wings. Ante up with a beverage of choice, and if you feel really confident about our hand, go all in — including dessert. If you lose, well, you lose weight, too.

Holiday Budget and Belly Busting Diet — OK, you’ve got “X” amount of money to spend. Christmas gifts and holiday meals will cost not only X, but a huge amount of “Y” and “Z.” If you’re like the rest of us, “A” through “V” has been taken up by house payments, car payments, credit card payments and assorted cell phone and cable television payments. And “W” went out the window a long time ago for college expenses. That leaves a few leftover dollars from the end of the alphabet for utilities or eating. How much weight you lose will depend on how badly you want water, gas, and electricity.

Digestion-Prohibitive Political Campaign Diet — Read the boastful campaign mailers and view the inflammatory television advertisements and you’ll likely get sick. You might not even eat until after election. Well played, weight loser, no matter what party you prefer.

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