Anne Palumbo: What’s this? No royal wedding invite? Crikey!
Dear Will and Kate,
There has been a dreadful misunderstanding.
Since I have yet to receive an invitation to your royal wedding on April 29, I can only guess that you chose not to include me.
Please reconsider. I am a far cry from the randy, loose-lipped author of the column “Daily Dose,” which you two undoubtedly devour and which, I believe, is clouding your judgment.
On the contrary, I am practically English in my demeanor when away from the keyboard: stoic, polite, reserved, literally made out of wood. In other words: a smashing asset to any royal wedding.
My biggest contribution? I can keep the conversation going between demure curtsies and stately sips of tea. And I can do this because I am obsessed with the same things you are.
Let’s take weather. Based on everything I’ve read, it seems you Brits love to moan and groan about the lousy weather. Welcome to my overcast world! An asteroid could be headed my way, my marriage could be imploding, my job could be in peril, but, by golly, what’s the temp, luv? Let’s check the telly. You hear me, Will and Kate? I am your gal when it comes to grousing about gray skies.
And how about teeth? Teeth! Is there yet to be a better icebreaker in all of tooth-troubled England? I say nay. Indeed, it may not be fodder for Victoria Beckham, but for Camilla? Blimey! The gal’s surely had a filling or five. No worries that I’ll drill down to the root of the problem, either — the sugary teacakes, the sticky toffee puddings, the fear of fluoridation — this is a happy occasion, after all.
And although I’ve never participated in cheese rolling — the annual custom where you folks race down the hill after a large round of Double Gloucester cheese — I want you to know that I can hold my own when it comes to chatting up cheese. We’re talking till the cows come home.
Oh, and should a discussion of hot-water bottles arise, please know that I will not repeat that unflattering quote by George Mikes: “Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles.” As far as I’m concerned, George is off his trolley. Your mums had you, after all.
Lastly, when I read that you consume more beans per person than we Americans and that a favored brand is Heinz baked beans, I nearly wept. I, too, adore beans! Not that beans always adore me, but so what, right? Beans aren’t part of your bloody menu, are they? Oh, the beastly repercussions if they are!
Anyway, I would be chuffed to bits to hear from you. Cheerio, Anne.
Anne Palumbo writes for Messenger Post Media in Canandaigua, N.Y. E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.