NEWS

Peter Costa: Spring training hits the office

Peter Costa

Imagine if spring training existed in the office. Managers would assess their players’ prospects for the season, and players would talk about themselves and their body parts as separate entities.

An admin in the on-deck break room responds to questions from the media.

“Yes, the knee is better. I strained it when I tried to carry two reams of copy paper to the copy machine. It doesn’t affect my keyboard play except when I have to do a control-alt-delete,” she said. “I have worked in the offseason on my PowerPoint and feel that I can go deep in the game without resorting to too many bullet points.”

A manager evaluates his ace salesman.

“Josh’s sales pitches are strong this spring. He has had location, both downtown and at the mall, and his pitches have been solid. His fastball needs a tad more velocity. He does telegraph his changeup a bit, but it’s a long spring, and he has time to work on that.”

Out in left field, as usual, are the marketers. They come to spring training before the position players because they create the positions the players will take during the regular season.

“I think we have a good range of branding weapons this year. We have speed on the sales paths, power with our national ads and we can steal ideas from the focus groups at will. We’re strengthening or product line with our slugging and we have the momentum to win lot of sales this season. But you never know where the next big thing is coming from. It might be in relief or from having a strong rotation. But we’re positioned to leverage opportunities especially for the age 25-45 age cohort.”

There was some controversy about using illegal substances or performance-enhancing drugs, according to the manager.

“We have strong policy mandating random testing. This spring we had training sessions on not piggy-backing on someone’s coffee run as well as seminars on how to substitute natural fruit juices for energy drinks. We’re complying with league and club rules and are confident we can avoid this problem. Now, I admit, handling the chocolate abuse is harder to control – especially as we head into chocolate bunny season in April.”

The IT department head serves as the closer.

“I get into the flow and focus. I’m brought in to strike out a virus or to get the server to reboot after  the seventh-inning stretch. I had Tommy John surgery in the offseason, and I feel good and have been taking extra practice re-booting the system.”

Peter Costa is a senior editor with GateHouse Media New England and is the author of two books of humor. His latest, “Outrageous CostaLiving: Still Laughing Through Life,” is available at amazon.com