Philip Maddocks: God forms end-of-world exploratory committee
God announced Tuesday that he had formed an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of ending the world.
He said he anticipated running “a much, much less ambiguous campaign” than he has in the past should he decide to make it official and announce his intention of ending the world, although he made it clear that he would not be bullied into a decision by publicity-seeking preachers and their pre-emptive attempts at setting a date for the final day.
“I think he’ll play a bigger role this time than he has in previous years,” said Ben Berkerstromm, the director of divine enterprises at the Institute of Politics and Study. “You can’t underestimate someone who has a passionate following who can raise money.”
There is some question, however, whether God is ready to subject himself and his family to the public scrutiny that would almost certainly follow should he declare his intention to end the world.
There would unquestionably be inquiries into his role in the economic meltdown, which has gone largely unexamined, even though some in the investment banking business have credited the Almighty for their success in achieving wealth.
Other observers point out that God tends to pay little attention to standard political conventions. He is fiercely antiwar at a time when the people of the world have typically expressed staunch support for military efforts. And he calls for deep and painful sacrifices by important political constituencies.
Surveys suggest, as well, that support for God to end the world remains low. In most recent polls, such a plan receives just over 5 percent of the support from potential voters.
But God remains a formidable presence with a larger international profile than any sitting Supreme Court judge, or Wall Street CEO, or television executive, even when these groups seemed to hold dominion over the world back in 2007, before the financial crisis struck.
And despite a crowded field of contenders competing for the public’s attention with apocalyptic proclamations, most say that God’s would still be considered the final word when it comes to ending the world.
Speaking at an event in Des Moines, God pointed to the lack of consensus on the debt ceiling, the unrepentant sullying of the environment and the end of Oprah’s afternoon talk show as good arguments for bringing the world to an abrupt end. But he did not lay out a timetable for laying waste to the planet, saying only that he would decide by the end of June whether to officially announce.
God acknowledged there are already plenty of good candidates out there with fire in their belly who could probably get the job done without his help, and at points in his talk he sounded resigned to his own powerlessness.
“The world is already quite different,” God said. “The impact of the Citizens United decision, the proliferation of unregulated derivatives, and the demise of scripted television shows — there are literally millions more reasons to think the world is already hurtling towards its death even without my direction.”
God told his audience in Iowa that he understood and shared their concerns and frustrations, noting that the issues that are important this year — high unemployment, stability in the Middle East, and whether the Bush tax cuts are affordable — were front and center back when John was authoring the Book of Revelation.
“This is not a decision I undertake lightly,” he said. “Whatever I decide to do, it will be done in the best interest of the people, the world, and free economies everywhere.”
God added that when it comes to ending the world there is no substitute for the experience he has built up over thousands of years, and if he does decide to proceed, he will end things in a way that will make the world proud, telling the audience in Iowa, “It will be morning in the universe, again.”
Philip Maddocks can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org