Gary Brown: Words (on T-shirts) to live by

Gary Brown

“Confidence is the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation.”

That’s a key life lesson. I found it on the front of a T-shirt.

I’ve also seen “Veni. Vedi. Visa. I Came. I Saw. I Did A Little Shopping.” –– something like that sounds a little more profound if it’s printed in white lettering on a dark cotton fabric that’s preshrunk.

Almost all of modern philosophy that’s the least little bit helpful has appeared sometime or another on the front of us. Apparently, when people say they have something to get off their chests, they really mean they want to get something onto it.

“I think, therefore I am. I think.” –– It certainly made me think.

“I doubt, therefore I might be.” –– Perhaps.

“I cook, therefore I am. You don’t, therefore you pay.” –– I guess a guy would know where he stands on that date.

“He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.” –– It makes you want to go home and slap a “For Sale” sign on your boat.

“The trouble with life is there’s no background music,” notes a shirt that probably would be worn by the same guy who wears the shirt, “I learned all my social skills from watching television.”

Other examples

Some T-shirts offer age-old advice:

“If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don’t come running to me.” –– sounds like my father.

A few T-shirts are educational:

“Four-fifths of the people have a problem with fractions. The other 50 percent don’t.”

There are admissions that are sort of like warnings:

“I bottle things up. You got a problem with that?”

And there are admissions that sound a little bit like songs:

“I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.”

There are alerts:

“Excuse me, but do I look like someone who cares?”

And there are apologies, at least technically:

“I’m sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.”

Some T-shirts make political statements:

“Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

Others give practical advice:

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!”

Caught speechless

What happens if you don’t have anything to say? You still can wear a shirt, if you can believe the words on four T-shirts I found for sale online.

“This shirt has no message,” notes the first.

“This is NOT my shirt,” says the second.

“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at this Time,” explains the third.

“Available for Rent,” offers the fourth.

Philosophy, at least when you wear it, apparently can be a moneymaking enterprise, which is what people who are experts in that sort of thing can express on a shirt.

“I am a philosophy major,” the shirt begins. “And, yes, I DO know what I’m going to do with that. Thanks for asking.”