Jeff Vrabel: This is better than a regular bike

Jeff Vrabel

Probably the biggest downside to bikes is how they have to be ridden outside, powered by only your own dumb "feet" and "legs." You have to ride them around other people, along streets and sidewalks, sometimes in the rain and sometimes when it is uncomfortably hot. I mean, sure, they don't use any gas or fossil fuels and are usually pretty easily stored and offer exercise and environmental benefits and let you feel smugly superior to everyone you see/judge in a car, but otherwise they're pretty much the worst things ever, and that's before the chains slip off, which of course happens all the time, because bikes are terrible.

But what if all of those downsides could be erased? What if you could negate the very worst aspect about bikes, which is that if you're riding one you're probably not in a car? Well BUCKLE UP, READERSHIP, because there is a better option, as long as you are brutally rich, insurmountably lazy or, and this would be weird, some highly unlikely combination of both.

Behold the Cadillac Escalade ESV, the Baconator of American sport utility vehicles, created by Becker Automotive Design, a custom-designed chauffeured rolling fossil-fuel-sucking helldemon/Romney family stocking stuffer that boasts within its luxurious backseat, aside from such usual 1 percent delightfulness as wood accents, plush leather and windows tinted dark enough to keep in the horrors of your conscience, a stationary bike. 

In the backseat. A bike. Well, just the pedals, because putting a full-size stationary bike in there would require the Escalade to be about 2 feet longer than it already is.

Those of you who ride actual bikes to work, using actual pedals on actual roads, now look more ridiculous and rain-soaked than ever; while you're out there "transporting yourself" and "conserving fossil fuels" and "relentless promoting your blog about biking to work," the smart people are being chauffeured around in behemoth SUVs getting a workout WHILE their trophy wives grin maniacally in the seat next to them and that Gotye song with the xylophone repeats on the portable hi-fi. 

I don't know if you've ever seen a piece of stock art that makes you want to grind a dinner plate into bits with your teeth, but this one pretty much takes the taco: Behold the Sweater-Vested Executive, with his yawning forehead and Wall Street Journal, reclining in the back of his spaceship-size Escalade, a smarmy, cheap-actor look on his face that says, "Interesting, I wonder what this news about the French austerity measures means for my retirement portfolio," while his highly Botoxed sterile-looking trophy wife, whose face contains an expression that indicates she was programmed to exhibit joy at 8:45 a.m. every Tuesday, smiles like a serial killer while fake-pumping an exercise bike and holding onto the controllers Luke and Han use to destroy those TIE Fighters when they're escaping the Death Star. 

Obviously environment-saving is only for the Poors, and I think we can pretty much all agree that there's no level of gas-price chaos that'll compel people to stop buying monstrous cars. But it's hard not to imagine that it would just be easier to RIDE A REAL BIKE TO WORK, even if you get a little wet.

Jeff Vrabel once owned a Cadillac, but it didn't work and was shaped like a cube. He can be reached at and followed at