Frank Mulligan: Facebook through the ages
I’ve been told by well-meaning people I have a misanthropic aversion to social media. I can’t stand those people.
That’s because they’re so mistaken. In short, if loving Facebook’s wrong, I don’t want to be right. I’ve seen the light, and it glows from a screen.
It’s clearly irrefutable that Facebook has made each and every one of our lives better, more satisfying, fulfilling and spiritually richer.
What hasn’t been posited – till now – is the way in which Facebook could have improved the lives of people throughout history. Here are just a few examples:
The demise of Neanderthal man
Neanderthal man could have taken his mind off the burgeoning Homo sapiens population by going on Facebook to share woolly-mammoth recipes.
The sacking of Imperial Rome
To occupy their time while all those sword-wielding Visigoths were gathering outside their gates, ancient Romans could have gone on Facebook to share pictures of their children modeling the new fall season togas.
The Black Plague
Those dying horribly from bubonic plague could have lightened things up by going on Facebook to share what they had for dinner the night before.
The 100 Years War
To take their minds off fighting a war for 100 years during a period in which the Black Plague also peaked, people could have gone on Facebook to “like” the guy with bubonic plague’s post about his dinner.
The Donner Party
The stranded members of the ill-fated wagon train trapped by the harsh winter elements in the Sierra Nevada mountains in 1846 could have taken their minds off their plight by Facebooking amusing observations to each other, such as, “Cold enough for you?” or, “I’m so hungry I could eat George Donner.”
The Battle of the Little Big Horn
Custer might have averted disaster and refrained from pushing the 7th Cavalry’s attack if he had gone on Facebook and discovered that he and Sitting Bull had 17 shared friends, including Crazy Horse’s sister in-law, Kooky Mare.
Editor’s note: All right, Neanderthals weren’t actually people – but they were close.
Frank Mulligan is an editor in GateHouse Media New England’s Plymouth office, and can be reached firstname.lastname@example.org.