Kent Bush: Political bumper stickers say a lot about a person

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Kent Bush

You can learn a lot about a person by which cheap sticky defacements they attach to their vehicles. Some bumper stickers are preachy. Some are funny. But my favorite are always the political bumper stickers.

When I see some of these personal automotive endorsements, I reach certain assumptions about the driver. I’m not saying I’m always right.

These are just my assumptions.

Rand Paul: When I see any bumper sticker with the last name Paul on a car, I assume the driver smokes dope and probably doesn’t have insurance because they don’t want the government forcing them to do things – like buy insurance and stop smoking dope. Libertarian ideals tend to be more selective than the Bible verses people quote on Facebook.

Mike Huckabee: When I see a Huckabee sticker, I assume the driver is a white male. Because no matter what a white male does, Huckabee has their back. Anyone else could be the target of Huckabee’s next garrulous gaffe. I also presume that his fans will miss the first Republican debate because it doesn’t really matter what he says, they will still support him. It also conflicts with A&E’s Country Bucks and Huckabee fans love down home reality television.

Rick Perry: I always think three things about those who put Rick Perry bumper stickers on their pickup trucks. First, they will misspeak about at least one thing when I ask them why they support Perry. Second, they are still trying to figure out if Rick Perry in glasses is really smarter than Rick Perry without glasses. It is a proven fact that people with glasses are smarter. That, my friends, is science. And third, I can never remember the third thing – and either can Perry.

Donald Trump: The driver probably lost but they think they are on the best route anyone has ever taken. They also probably want to see my birth certificate. Look, when even Karl Rove says you aren’t a serious candidate, your campaign has issues. Trump has said in the past the Hillary Clinton would be a good candidate and has even donated to her campaigns. If the two of them ended up on the ballot, it might not be good for the country, but the debates would be awesome.

Sarah Palin: If I see a Sarah Palin sticker, I think so many things. But the main takeaway is that you know it isn’t a new car. Even FOX News has cut ties with her because she is no longer relevant.

Marco Rubio: If I see a Marco Rubio sticker on a bumper, I am always on high alert because they could change direction at any time. Never trust the turn signal on these cars because they won’t be able to commit to any direction. Rubio has had strong opinions on both sides of the immigration issue and no position on South Carolina flying the Confederate Flag over their state capitol. Rubio isn’t a leader yet. He is still too busy trying to fall on the right side of the most recent political polling data.

Chris Christie: If you see a Chris Christie sticker on a car, you know that person doesn’t mind sitting in traffic jams due to unnecessary construction projects planned to punish political opponents – allegedly.

Carli Fiorina: If you see these bumper stickers, they were probably printed at home on a Hewlett Packard printer by one of the employees who survived the massive layoffs there while she was CEO.

Scott Walker: If you see a Scott Walker sticker on a bumper, you can assume the driver isn’t a member of a union since Walker equates union members with member of ISIS. They certainly aren’t public employees who Walker blames for all budget issues in Wisconsin.

George Pataki: Anyone with this bumper sticker is either from New York or doesn’t know who Pataki is and put the sticker there ironically.

Bobby Jindal: If you see this bumper sticker, you know the driver wasn’t watching the 2009 Republican response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address. It is impossible to look good giving the response speech. Jindal was the rule, not the exception. Some people have noted that he speaks out against the federal government’s culture of dependency while his state takes billions of dollars in federal assistance. But duplicity is a virtue in a world of under informed voters who care more about ideology than ideas.

Rick Santorum: If you see this bumper sticker, you can assume that the driver loves sweater vests and only wears them on dates with his wife. You can be pretty sure that person is white, heterosexual and doesn’t mind being on the wrong end of a Supreme Court ruling. You know, Republican.

Lindsay Graham: Graham stickers don’t give me any clear thoughts on the driver but I’m always surprised if at least one quarter panel isn’t still primer gray waiting to be painted. Graham isn’t ready for prime time just yet.

Ben Carson: People bearing this political sticker obviously believe the idiom that “you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to be President – but it helps.”

Jeb Bush: First, if it is an older vehicle, I assume that the Jeb Bush sticker was carefully placed on top of the George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush stickers from the past. Are there really people out there who want to vote for Jeb who didn’t think George One and George Two were awesome? I also worry less about them hitting me because I bet they have great insurance.

Hillary Clinton: Someone with a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker probably won’t talk to me because I am a member of the media. If they they hit my car, you can bet they will say it was be someone else’s fault even though they were sending an email from their private phone. No, you can’t see that email, but you can donate to the Clinton Foundation.

Martin O’Malley – If you see an O’Malley sticker, you know it isn’t next to a Fraternal Order of Police sticker. His Zero Tolerance Policing policies as Mayor of Baltimore will be only be slightly less effective than his campaign for President.

Bernie Sanders – Face it, you won’t see Sanders bumper stickers on cars. Sanders’ backers can’t afford cars, but they are really hoping someone can get in the White House and redistribute some of the Koch brothers’ money to them.

Jim Webb – The former Democratic Virginia senator proved why you won’t see many of his bumper stickers around any time soon. On the recent issue of South Carolina removing the Confederate Flag from its State Capitol, Webb “clearly” stated that the issue was complicated and people need to be understanding and this is an emotional issue about a flag being used as a racial symbol to divide us. Basically, Webb proved the following point: there are people who say the flag is reprehensible and should be gone and people who dance around hoping the elephant in the room doesn’t step on them. We are 150 years past the Civil War and 50 years from the height of the Civil Rights movement. It is time to face the fact that this “symbol” needs to be removed from a non-racist society.

Anyone who says anything else is wrong. You can stick that one on my bumper.