I'm going to Florida so Gov. Ron DeSantis can keep my kids safe from 'woke' math textbooks

I know the textbook indoctrination is there because I’ve done my research by watching Fox News, the network that taught me long ago '2 + 2 = 5' and anyone who says otherwise is a socialist.

Rex Huppke

Like most reasonable Americans, I’m considering moving to Florida to keep my children safe from math.

Ron DeSantis, governor of the Sunshine (unless it illuminates something we don’t want people to see) State, has taken a bold stand against fiendish liberal attempts to use math textbooks to transform young American students into woke and genderless soy children.

The Florida Department of Education rejected more than 50 math textbooks because they included nation-destroying concepts like “Critical Race Theory” and “Social Emotional Learning,” the department announced Friday. The department’s statement carried the headline: “Florida Rejects Publishers' Attempts to Indoctrinate Students.” 

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Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis

Ignorance keeps me safe

I don’t know what critical race theory or social emotional learning are, because I’ve been told they’re dangerous and I’m afraid if I Google them I’ll turn into a lib. But thank goodness DeSantis’ education officials caught those textbooks in time before any students were allowed to learn something.

In the statement, Commissioner of Education Richard Corcoran said: “When it comes to education, other states continue to follow Florida’s lead as we continue to reinforce parents’ rights by focusing on providing their children with a world-class education without the fear of indoctrination or exposure to dangerous and divisive concepts in our classrooms.”

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The commissioner and the entire DeSantis administration are so concerned about those dangerous and divisive concepts imbedded in math textbooks that they gave the public no specific examples. That’s a smart move, because it protects us all from possible accidental arithmetical indoctrination, and it makes the Democrats super mad.

Critical race theory

State Rep. Carlos Guillermo Smith of Orlando told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune: “They haven’t shown us what’s inside the books that they claim is critical race theory indoctrination, and there’s a reason they won’t show us, because it’s not there.”

Nice try, social justice warrior. I know the indoctrination is there because I’ve done my research by watching Fox News, the network that taught me long ago that “2 + 2 = 5” and that anyone who says otherwise is a socialist.

A 'very transparent' process?

On Monday morning, Florida Lt. Gov. Jeanette Nunez spoke with Fox News and said there has been “a systematic attempt by these publishers to infiltrate our children's education by embedding topics such as critical race theory” and then wisely gave no specific examples and said: “This was a very transparent and open process.”

That’s good enough for me. I can fill in the blanks just fine.

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For starters, I’m quite sure these textbooks contain references to equilateral triangles, alleged “triangles” that have three equal sides and three equal angles that are always 60 degrees. This is in-your-face leftist geometric messaging, demanding young kids embrace controversial concepts like equality and the soft, liberal idea that all are equal.

This classic geometry-based toy is a great way to teach kids about shapes.

And of course, three 60-degree angles? 60-60-60. 6-6-6. That’s satanism. Do the math, people. (Actually, don’t. If you do, Satan wins.)

Our children should be learning only about the traditional right triangle, with occasional, age-appropriate references to the isosceles triangle in advanced grades.

74.2 million votes > 81.3 million votes

The entire concept of greater-than and less-than has been overtaken by communist thinking, to the point where students could read a word problem like, “If Joe Biden received 81.3 million votes in the 2020 presidential election and Donald Trump received 74.2 million votes, who got more votes?” and be told the correct answers is “Joe Biden.”

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The right answer is obviously: “Donald Trump, because Joe Biden cheated.” Florida parents can now rest easy knowing their children will never be so misled.

Don’t get me started on any K-12 books that promote mathematical filth like binomials, trinomials and polynomials. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD’S SAKE!

And while I have no evidence of this, and if I did I wouldn’t share it with you, I’m sure these banned textbooks included pages of nonsense about Critical Rhombus Theory, which asserts that square supremacy is a social construct embedded in Euclidean geometry. There’s no way I’ll allow some teacher to make my kids feel guilty about the history of shapes.

Audience members join Ben Frazier, founder of the Northside Coalition of Jacksonville, in chanting, “Allow teachers to teach the truth,” on Thursday at the Florida State College at Jacksonville’s Advanced Technology Center, during public comments on the state’s plans to ban the teaching of critical race theory in state public schools.

That’s why I’m moving my family to Florida, where students are taught proper math and encouraged to answer sensible, patriotic math questions like this: “If a Republican governor wants to become president, how many times will he need to mention critical race theory before it happens?”

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk