Jeff Vrabel: Ben Affleck as Batman?
At the risk of being one of the only people on the Internet writing about this Ben-Affleck-as-the-new-Batman thing — I know, I know, no one cares, obviously, since there’s a noticeable absence of Batman content online and I’m obviously setting myself up for SEO disaster by repeatedly putting such uninteresting tags as “Affleck,” “Batman” and “catastrophic news of epic proportions for anyone who is not in Syria” — but let me take a moment to make what will certainly be a grand and controversial opinion on the subject:
Ugh, you people are losers, stop crying, and if you do give that much of a damn can you come over here so I can punch you in the throat with this George Clooney lunchbox.
Let’s just everybody step back from the ledge and commence our normal pre-Affleck breathing patterns and remind ourselves that WE ARE GROWN ADULT HUMANS whose daily routines, with their successes and failures, their routines and joys and pains, are surprisingly less subject to casting announcements than we may think.
If you somehow do not plan your life and web-surfing habits around casting news for movies coming out in two years, Ben Affleck has been tapped to play Batman in the next Superman movie, and yes Batman and Superman will be in the same movie, and yes it’s OK to make nerd jokes, they’re all accurate and they’re all true and it’s best to get them out of your system.
This is presumably shocking news because no one likes Ben Affleck, except when he makes movies like “Argo,” which won (shuffling papers), weird, this says BEST PICTURE, so obviously you can see why people are upset about him being involved in a movie of some kind.
Actually, the problem seems to be that Affleck has committed the offense of not being Christian Bale, who played Batman in Christopher Nolan’s “Dark Knight” trilogy and was really good — so good, in fact, that the movies were tremendous critical successes and made metric yacht-loads of money, so you can see how a Hollywood studio in an age of fractured viewership would definitely want to avoid putting Batman in more movies. At least without consulting first with people who write about movies on the Internet, which, incidentally, we’re running pretty low on, so if we could get some more of those guys, I think the Internet would be a stronger place.
Listen, I’ll admit that when I was a younger man, which I used to be — no really, I have pictures, and friends who remember when I used to be interesting — that I would fall into this whirlpool of movie-related fatigue and judgment and pointless Sam Adams-fueled opining. You don’t even want to know what I did after each of the “Star Wars” prequels came out. I pretty much disgusted myself, and can’t bear to relive the memories.
But then time marches on, and they release about 4,000 superhero movies every summer, and you fall in love with a nice lady, and have some children, or do anything really, like go outside, or get off the Internet for 45 minutes, or breathe crisp fresh American air, or go for a run, and one day when you’re not even thinking about it a thought hits you, like a feather drifting in on the breathe into your ear, a thought that says, “Wait I actually don’t give two tenths of a crap about this, why am I so angry, and is there a feather in my ear right now?” So let us all agree to let Ben Affleck do whatever Batman thing he wants to do, and resolve to not get all crazypants upset about him again, unless of course he ends up in the new “Star Wars” movies.
Jeff Vrabel played Catwoman in “Batman Returns.” He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com and followed at http://twitter.comjeffvrabel.