'Jupiter Ascending' is one of the worst movies you will see this year

Kirsten Acuna

Last summer, Warner Bros. abruptly pushed "Jupiter Ascending" back 10 months only weeks before it was due in theaters.

The latest sci-fi movie from the Wachowski siblings ("The Matrix" trilogy) supposedly needed to complete visual effects. It was expected to be the studio's big summer movie after Johnny Depp's $100 million budget "Transcendence" flopped

I think we know the real reason the reported $175 million Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis movie was moved.

"Jupiter Ascending" is terrible.

Don't take my word for it.  

In addition to press, there was a number of general audience members in attendance who received free advance tickets to the media screening. (This is normal. You can usually get these through websites like GoFobo.)

Here are some of the things viewers were saying as they headed out of the screening:

"It wasn't bad ... it was horrible."

"It was embarrassing."

"That's what they spent $150 million to $200 million on?"

"I can't even explain the plot. You kill humans … so you can use their genes?" (more on this in a bit)

The movie follows Kunis as Jupiter Jones, your not-so-average looking maid who cleans houses for a living with her obnoxious Russian family. One day, she finds out there's a bunch of other species living outside of Earth and that she's actually the ruler of our planet. Two groups of different people, one led by Titus (Douglas Booth) and another by Balem (Eddie Redmayne), are out to capture and murder her so they can have control of the planet. 

Why do they want control of the planet? To harvest humans. The aliens have apparently been using human cells to create a regeneration serum for some time. 

Yep. That's it. The whole movie is about aliens wanting to preserve their youth by killing humans.

But, unless I missed something, it's not clear how anyone knows Jupiter even exists. It's not like her father or mother were royalty. Jupiter has no clue she's royalty, and once she learns she is, she doesn't find out that she has any secret, magical powers. So the basic premise of the film, where aliens are worried about Jupiter, a lowly, humble, toilet scrubber overthrowing all of them, is pretty thin. 

I don't remember the last time I've said "What is going on right now?" (not in those actual words) so many times during a film screening to myself. This isn't because I couldn't follow the movie's plot, it was just because what was occurring on screen: the dialogue, the acting, the strange-looking characters were all so bizarre at points that there was no other way to react.

Here are a few of the things I'm talking about: 

1. There's a ridiculous bee scene

I've never wanted to relive the Nicolas Cage bee scene from the 2006 "Wicker Man" remake, but this was all I could think of: 

 2. Random egg selling

3. Mila Kunis slaps a sanitary pad onto Channing Tatum to patch up a wound.

I guess this was supposed to be humorous. It's not. It's kind of just gross, especially when Sean Bean, who plays a secondary character, later tears it off on screen, waving it at Kunis. 

4. Channing Tatum is a half-human, half-wolf

5. Kunis' character continually hits on half-wolf Tatum, and it makes for the most awkward screen time and dialogue ever

Caine: "I have more in common with dogs than I do with you."

Jupiter: "I love dogs."

The audience burst out laughing at this. Later in the film, there's even an overt reference to "Beauty and the Beast," to describe their relationship.

6. The creatures are terrifying.

Some of the characters just look like knockoffs of other sci-fi animals. There's an elephant-looking creature that pops up a few times that looks like a mix between Ten Numb and Max Webo from "Star Wars."

7. And then there's Eddie Redmayne's character, Balem Abrasax, who is on a completely different level of crazy in this film.

It was as if Redmayne was actually channelling the awkwardness of Michael Sheen's vampire character Aro in the "Twilight" movies. It was essentially the same role. 

The Wachowski siblings said they wanted to put together a bunch of genres — a sci-fi film mixed with a thriller, an "action epic," and a "love story" — but in doing so, it's hard to figure out what this film wants to be.

There's no question that it's a sci-fi flick, but other than the ridiculous premise, the entire film doesn't feel original. It has the feel of "The Fifth Element," for its elaborate and outlandish space creatures and ship designs, and "Ender's Game" (for same space visuals). However, unlike "The Fifth Element," I doubt we'll be seeing re-runs of this on cable television anytime soon.

There were three good things about this film:

1. There's a point near the end where Kunis (sort of) beats the crap out of Redmayne's character.

I was waiting for Kunis to be this break-out strong female character, and other than a few small parts in the film, she's not. She's whiny (she complains about how she hates her life in the beginning of the film), she's insanely gullible (she's convinced to marry a guy she just met in practically seconds even though he plans to kill her), and, except for a brief part in one of the film's climactic moments, she plays the D.I.D. (damsel in distress) to Tatum's character for most of the film. Sigh.

2. Channing Tatum's gravity boots

3. The visuals.

Right now, BoxOffice.com is tracking the film to make $19 million opening weekend. The duo's last film, 2012's "Cloud Atlas," starring Tom Hanks and Halle Berry, debuted to $9.6 million. Instead, Paramount's "Spongebob Squarepants" sequel, which has been over a decade in the making, is expected to dominate the weekend making $35 million.

One thing's clear. 

There's one must-see Channing Tatum movie this year from Warner Bros., and it's not going to be "Jupiter Ascending."

"Jupiter Ascending" is in theaters Fri. Feb. 6.

Watch a trailer below.

See Also:

SEE ALSO: "Jupiter Ascending" was shown at a secret Sundance screening and the responses were not good