Perhaps I’ve been watching too much football lately

Perhaps I’ve been watching too much football lately, because:

I’m scheduling my life based on Saturday college game starts, Sunday pro game kickoffs and the endings of Sunday and Monday Night Football pregame shows.

I won’t wear anything that does not have a team name on it, and I don’t feel comfortable eating anything I can’t pick out of a bowl that at least carries a team logo on the outside of it.

I’ve begun blaming everything I don’t like in my life on bad calls by officials.

Every time I accomplish something at work, I thrust the “I’m No 1!” sign into the air, poke my chest and do an end-zone strut.

I find myself shouting “YESSSS!” and fist pumping, or “NOOOOO!” and throwing my hands up into the air in disgust at the most minor events in my life.

When something interesting happens during a nonfootball activity, but I’m not looking at the time, I expect to see an instant replay.

When I’m driving, and I’m listening to a game on the radio, sometimes I forget and look for a little scoreboard at the bottom of my windshield.

I’m not planning any home repair project that takes any longer than a halftime to complete.

I’m starting to think that observing how “All the ‘prevent defense’ does is prevent you from winning” is profound.

When people in the office talk about their children or grandchildren doing something skillful in school football games, I find myself watching for it in the highlights on “SportsCenter.”

I have considered — and it took a disturbingly long time to recognize my lack of wisdom — taking off my shirt and painting a letter from my favorite team’s name on my chest.

When I see anybody walking, I unconsciously observe how close their feet come to stepping on the sideline of the sidewalk.

In the middle of meetings, I’m asking such things as “Doesn’t anybody around here know how to tackle?”

I’m yelling at my TV, even during movies, crime shows and situation comedies.

At the end of a particularly good day at work, I’ve gotten the urge to celebrate by dumping a cooler filled with energy drink on the head of my boss.

My values in life seem to have become quality special teams play, good field position and effective fourth-quarter clock management.

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