‘Do you put ketchup on everything?” You’ve probably heard that question, especially if you’re a put-ketchup-on-everything person. I pondered this a few days ago after reading a?Yahoo News feature about “five surprising uses for ketchup.”

‘Do you put ketchup on everything?”

You’ve probably heard that question, especially if you’re a put-ketchup-on-everything person.

I pondered this a few days ago after reading a?Yahoo News feature about “five surprising uses for ketchup.”

It was a welcome break from news about swine flu (or R2D2, or whatever we’re supposed to call it now).

The article gleaned information from a more extensive listing at a Web site called The Daily Green.

It’s common these days to seek uncommon uses for common stuff, what with the economic crunch and all.

 Do you ever wonder how some of these household remedies are discovered? I once heard Alka-Seltzer is a good toilet-cleaner. It’s pretty easy to imagine a scenario when that came about. A man probably got up on New Year’s Day, dropped the tablets into the bowl by mistake, then marveled at the gleaming porcelain as he chugged a bottle of Scrubbing Bubbles.

As for the ketchup-copper connection, that’s more difficult to ascertain.

“Betty, did you mean to dip your french fry in the ketchup?”

“Yes.?Why?”

“Because you just dipped a copper  pipe in it instead.”

“Uh-oh. Oh wait, look!?Look how shiny the copper has become!”

We may not understand the origin of this alternative ketchup universe, but it’s good to know you can free up refrigerator space and make the copper pipes in your basement less of an eyesore. Win-win.

But this week’s column isn’t about stretching the condiments. It’s about “Land of the Lost.”

Next month, the Saturday morning TV series from the mid-‘70s will be brought out of dormancy and onto the big screen.

It’s making me Grumpy.

Whenever a classic TV series is made into a movie, fans of the original tend to complain. They don’t want a movie remake to “tarnish” their nostalgia.

So it is with “Land of the Lost.” Adapting it into a movie is like using ketchup to shine copper. Sure, the metal looks better, but is it just a waste of tomatoes?

Let’s put it another way. When “Starsky &?Hutch” was released as a movie in 2004, many critics said it didn’t cut the mustard.

“This movie doesn’t even deserve to stand next to the crummiest of Starsky and Hutch TV episodes,” Film Threat critic Eric Campos wrote at the time.

With “Land of the Lost,”?I worry about the opposite. What if the movie is actually better than the TV show?

I’d rather be attacked by a sleestak. If the movie is an improvement over the original, it would mask the underlying flavor.

Just like putting ketchup on everything.

Dennis Volkert is features editor at the Sturgis Journal. Contact him at volkert@sturgisjournal.com